Archive for the ‘Personal Stuff’ Category

That’s It!!

I am officially done eating.

Doesn’t matter what it is, I gobble it down

I can’t take much more of this


I’m done


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If you’ve ever had the feeling of complete emptiness & weren’t sure how to fix it, I’m there & I’m sorry you’ve ever felt this way. It feels so wrong to be so down when, in reality, I have it nowhere near as bad as others. But I can’t seem to shake it regardless. For every day I work I see 2 homeless men, one is quite obvious, he smells like a portapotty and could seriously use some meds & new clothes. He believes I am Russian & his mother gave birth to Patsy Cline in the Soviet Union in the 1930’s, also I was also apparently married to some man he hated in the 60’s. He believes that one of my co-workers murdered someone in the 60’s and frequently succumbs to cursing fits in our coffee section corner. I do not allow myself to fall into the same manner of thinking as some of my co-workers that he somehow brought this life on himself & I often buy his coffee for two reasons: 1. I’m sorry but I do not want to touch his money, and while many people may find that incredibly rude (and it probably is) I have a bit of a germy issue and already wash my hands a ridiculous amount of times, I do not think I could handle that. and 2. If I can’t spend two bucks to give somebody a hot drink who could truly use it I seriously need to re-evaluate my priorities. And on to the second man, he is much less obvious about his current living arrangements and to my eyes appears quite sane, and fairly clean, though well worn.

(After that spiel, I forgot why I went on and on & had to go back to the beginning of my post to find out)

The whole point is that despite knowing and seeing this with my own eyes it still pains me to smile and I can feel the emptiness inside my chest, like it should ache but it doesn’t, it’s just nothing. Then I feel guilty about feeling this way and I am pushed further into despair. What right do I have in my apartment with my husband and pets, technology and a full fridge to feel this way? But it won’t go away despite what I know, despite the guilt weighing me down.

Here is where my life stands today:

I head back to classes next week, I lack the funds to pay for my books or the rest of my school supplies.I fear that the way I feel is going to take a toll on my grades, last year it did & I was not as deeply affected as I currently am. I fear that my brain will not keep up with what it needs to and I will fail, I do not deal well with failure.

My dog is having health issues and I lack the funds to bring him to the vet so I’ve been treating him myself with some polysporin, peroxide and goldbond. I feel like a failure once again & I’ve already said that I do not deal well with failure.

There was a time when I had a full time job that I didn’t love but I worked with and I was damn good at it. I had money in the bank and plans, adult plans. Things changed, the company I was working for changed hands and my goals changed, drastically. I wonder all too often if I have made the right decisions, especially when I am going through these trying times.

I spend entirely too much time in tears. Tears of frustration, of anger and since I am being honest, self loathing a good part of the time. I truly do not like myself, and it’s not merely an appearance thing. Yes I hate the way I look, and I feel as though there is nothing I can do about it. I’m fat and yet losing weight does not come easily & I find myself green with envy over my friends’ accomplishments and lacking any real motivation to begin my own.

I can’t find any happiness in the upcoming births of my newest nieces and nephews, and although I try to fake it I can sense that there is something off and not quite right with it that I am sure is being noticed. Am I jealous? Yes I am, of course I am. How can it be so easy for others to bring life into this world when my body struggles to even have a proper cycle. A little while ago somebody made a comment to my friend Amy about their family being perfect now that they had a boy, a girl and the two parents. Having a single (gorgeous) child that they are perfectly happy with and no plans to have any more, this irked her. All I could think at this time was how pathetic & pitiful my life would seem to the person with the perfect family.

On top of everything else, my husband & I are having some issues. I do not want to go into them here because it would be unfair to him to do so. In one clear moment today I suggested that we see a couples therapist but the look on his face at that revelation shut that down immediately. He was more than a little uncomfortable with that idea & I get it, I only every once in awhile feel brave enough to admit my problems to somebody else. There is a reason I did not post this to Facebook, but still made it public; a ploy to try and make myself accountable. Having to resort to a therapist, a shrink, a psychologist is something that I can understand…. for other people. For myself it is a weakness, and in addition to not taking failure well I certainly do not deal with weakness well. But I am losing patience more often than not these days, I snap at my husband often and have contemplated leaving him for his own good. Ultimately I am too selfish to do so, but he would be better off with someone more deserving, someone nicer, sexier and someone who has all their shit together. He is not going to be pleased with this, but again I have to reiterate that I am trying to make myself more accountable and I don’t think he understands just how low I get. He is oblivious to what is right in front of him and doesn’t see that there are problems that need to be addressed.

And that is an update on the state of my being. I am a poor excuse of a human being right now, and I do things that I probably shouldn’t when I am down here. Again not something I want to put out into cyberspace, but that’s the way it seems to go for me. Before I even realize what I’ve done, I’m on my second round….

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I recently got rid of all the apps on my phone because I was beyond bored with them. I kept Angry Birds however, because, Damn It, I am determined to finish the thing. When?? I have no idea since I can’t remember the last time I actually played it, but I WILL finish it. Anywhooo, on to my story. So after I deleted things I realized that I needed something to fidget with on my phone so I downloaded a Bingo app.

Sidenote: I realize that this is going to make me look like an old biddy, what with the playing Bingo & harping on kids……. but some things need to be said. Now listen up, Granny’s talkin’!!

Alrighty, so I downloaded a Bingo app called Lucky Bingo, it seemed like one of the few free ones that actually resembled Bingo. I tried a few others that were plain ridiculous. Unfortunately this game seems to be masquerading as a KIK messenger app living advertisement. There is a chat when you play and so many people don’t even actually play, they just log in to chat and try to get others to add them on this KIK thingy. Now since a good portion of them aren’t even playing you’d think it would be nice & easy to win right?? Not even close, I get so frustrated but at the same time it’s slightly addicting. Back to the chat thingy, do you remember chat rooms back in the day when pervy people would write ASL & no doubt someone would answer & then they’d try to pull you into chatting one on one if they liked what they heard. That is essentially what this is coming across as. IN fact I actually saw someone type ASL the other day & nearly rolled off the bed laughing. The problem I’m finding is that some of these kids are saying that they’re anywhere between 13 & 18 generally, and since so few people tell the truth on the internet (except me, I’m totally honest all the time ;-p) I have a hard time to believe them as they invite others to chat with them on KIK. It has the adult in me cringing with the knowledge that most of them are not as they appear. Which leads me to my next thought, why on Earth would a 13 year old download a Bingo app in the first place & how on Earth did a friggin’ Bingo app become home to picking people up??!?? This seriously boggles my mind.

My next bits may offend some of you out there, my apologies, well sorta. If you become offended perhaps you should take a good look around you and truly listen to what I’m saying. But know this, I am not a parent nor will I ever be a parent to anything other than furry four legged dudes so like Jon Snow I know nothing & you can either cast aside my opinions or tell me to Fuck Off, most likely I won’t give a damn but go on & give it your best shot if that’s what you feel you need to do.

I know some very good mothers & I know some pretty rotten ones as well. Children need stimulation, I know this because I was once a child myself. The best mothers take time out of their day to interact with their child & give them stimulation, they realize that the tv is not the only option for ‘something to do’. They give their child information that is not only meant to keep them quiet. My friend Amy is perhaps one of the best that I’ve seen when it comes to explaining things to her child. I see many others take the baby voice and give minimal explanation as to how something works or why you must abide by certain things, but she generally takes the time to explain, in what I have coined the patient Mommy voice, to her now 4 year old (man time flies) the workings of the world. World, okay ,maybe a bit extreme but in a way yes, because I have no doubts that this child will grow up well. I was on the ferry the other day when I heard another mother explaining to her two children the methodology behind parking a massive Navy boat. It was amazing to listen to her talk, engrossed in teaching her children. Too few parents do this, instead we have children running around with technology that they don’t need at the ages they’re getting it at. Please don’t misinterpret that as I don’t think children should be using technology, because in this day and age that would not be a reality.  But a ten year old spending all their time on their cell phones, texting their friends & playing games is a little ridiculous in my opinion.

I have another friend, who I will not name because 1. I’ve never cleared talking about her before, which I’m pretty sure I’ve done with Amy & 2. She’s not a huge part of my life anymore, which seems to be the case with a lot of my friends, but that’s a story for another day. She does a great job at balancing with her children, they might play games inside but they are also well socialized & play outdoors often, including organized sports. I think trying organized sports is important actually, not only because nothing tried is nothing gained but because it teaches discipline & teamwork & also when they go to school they kind of have no choice about playing sports in gym anyway so why not give them a head start, like you do when you teach them their numbers & alphabet before they go.

I’m probably the most paranoid person out there when it comes to young children, they start to fall I gasp so loud they can hear me in China. But I also know that in order to learn they also have to fail (& fall). This doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. Kids are given the answers to things without trying for themselves. Grade one, here’s a calculator & a laptop & oh yeah if you’re wrong well we won’t use red pen or tell you you’re wrong, we’ll just explain a better way. It’s no wonder that teacher’s are having a tough time finding work, they don’t get the chance to teach anymore. Maybe it’s just Nova Scotia but with the issues teachers everywhere seem to be having I highly doubt it. I have a friend who just recently became a teacher & found work in China due to the lack of jobs here, I’m going to have to ask her about her experiences to give myself a little more information I think.

So my problem is…. and I see it everywhere I go now. Youth have this sense of entitlement & it’s undeserved. Many of them have this attitude about them that says I’m top of the food chain honey & you had better deal with it. Hey parents, this is on you. Teach your kids some humility, it’ll save them a little heartbreak some time in the future. So many of them come in to the workforce expecting a pay check for nothing, because they’ve just been given everything. Trust me when I say I’ll take them down a peg, in my world you have to earn what you get, not just be there to accept it. Think I’m being cruel, take a walk into a place that employs mostly teenagers & you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about.

The kids I see coming into their first year of university are about half and half, and if I was the parent of the work I see coming from these guys, they’d be getting themselves a job and paying for their own education so damn fast they’d get whiplash.

I say, Stop being lazy and allowing technology to raise your children for you. Otherwise your kids might be living with you until the day you die because they’ve never learned to be self-sufficient in anything other than keeping up with the latest iPhone release or the like. You chose to have kids now you need to finish the job too…. Or your kids could be the ones sexting random strangers because they’ve never learned or simply want attention.

Playing Bingo, Mom. Uh huh…

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The day started out as per usual. I woke up way before my husband so I could enjoy my Facebook time all alone. I decided that I was all out splurging on a decadent (homemade) coffee. Super sweet & super creamy & also super bad for me….. I loaded up one of the Sumatra blends with my Blend Cream & International Coffee’s Mocha Fudge Cream & settled down to watch the Primate episode of BBC’s Earth Series Life. Oh How I love me some monkeys and the like.

(You can actually watch the entire episode on YouTube, but it will never look as good as it does in your own home of course. I could count every hair on the face of an orangutan)

At some point my incessant giggling at the cuteness and such I must have woken up the dog to his need to tinkle. With the dog came the husband & the morning was much less peaceful ;-p. We had breakfast, more like ,brunch together. A scrambled egg,spinach, mushroom wrap with lettuce, tomato, cheese, salsa & sour cream. We even broke our own rules and bought some fake bacon, super processed chicken made to taste like bacon. It was delicious, salty salty deliciousness.

Unfortunately it was time for me to go shopping. I am not a typical “girl” who jumps for joy at the mention of shopping & malls. Blech…. But I wanted to look nice since we never go out anywhere. I had checked out a couple things online & had decided to head out to Value Village to see if anything could be had there. But the trek was a long way when I couldn’t be certain there would be anything & it would require patience and a tedious search through tons of things so I opted for the dreaded shopping mall.


I went to all of 3 stores, yippeeeee!! Reitmans where I found my dress. Unfortunately it was not the one I really wanted, which was also on sale for $25. The one I found is a really stretchy material and one of the very few not on sale so I paid full price for it. Sucky since I haven’t a clue when I would have a chance to wear it again.

I also needed a pair of shoes to wear with it since the only thing I have left is 2 pairs of running shoes & drab dress shoes that are meant to wear under dress pants not a flowy skirt. I checked PayLess for something cheap but would match. No such luck. So I headed into Zellers and found their shoe section in a hurricane zone. Apparently every damn thing is on sale in preparation for Target incoming I imagine. I found a nice pair of wedge sandals but the wedge was so skinny it still felt like a high heel and this dork couldn’t walk in them. So I found a pair of 40% off almost flats with a flower thing on them. No black in my size so I opted for a dark brown instead of hot pink & hoped no one would care enough to notice. On my way to the cash I noticed all the purses were also on clearance so I thought, what the heck. Found a small black thing for $10. Woot, score! I didn’t actually own a purse before, I simply stuck whatever I wanted to carry with me into a reusable canvas bag bearing the Halifax Library on it. I’m trés cool, lol. And before that I used a Chapter’s reusable bag…

Got home & Eric & I decided to watch America’s Got Talent results show. No big surprises there for me except the ending when the younger girl was left standing with Rebekah & Donovan rather than the judges decision being between the crossbow act & R&D. I do have to say though that Howard Stern is beginning to grate on my nerves. I like him & I also like that the judges have begun to critique this year but I hate that he makes everything about himself. It’s not your fucking stage Howard, get off the pot.

After all the boringness of getting ready we headed down to catch the ferry. Two reasons, 1. I love the ferry & 2. It’s close to the restaurant we had chosen. I spent the entire time traveling to the restaurant asking Eric if I looked like a prostitute because everytime I looked down all I could see was boob, lots & lots of boob. I can’t help it, I wasn’t looking for a turtleneck dress in the middle of summer….

Quick sidenote though: I realized (officially) that all that business up front causes me insane backache. Standing up straight is incredibly painful and would leave me a cramp where my front ribs meet my back ribs. I think I will have to suck it up and see a doctor about a reduction because it truly makes my life miserable.

Just before we left.

On the ferry.

You know, I feel like I’m smiling but it doesn’t come across as though I am….. I swear I am not a miserable bitch. Well not there I wasn’t.

We get to the waterfront and decide to wander for a bit because we’re early for our reservation. Lo & behold….

Friggin’ Spiderman.

We missed the shot of him on the barricade part kneeling down in that Spiderman way. Darn.

So we walked the waterfront, me jiggling all the way & my husband pleased all the way. Apparently he likes my dress, eyeroll.

So we had an earlier debate on where to go for out dinner. We were stuck between McKelvie’s, The Keg & Salty’s. We ultimately decided that we wanted seafood because that’s a tradition. We decided on Salty’s because we had never tried it before & it had amazing reviews. http://www.saltys.ca/ We were seated upstairs, in the classy section, although trust me when I say there is little classy about us. We were actually a little disappointed because we had found what we wanted on the downstairs casual menu &  didn’t see anything that called out for us on the classy menu. But we ate some bread and debated because it seemed so rude to the waiter to up and leave for another section especially after we had made the reservation & didn’t specify where we wanted to sit.

We ordered ourselves some Long Island Iced Teas, which are so delicious. I didn’t expect that the first time I tried them, but Yum! We were served some complimentary bread which was crap in comparison to McKelvie’s bread but the cornbread that I ordered as an app with our steamed mussels was Nummy Nummy. And priced well too. Two small loaves for $3.95, unfortunately I somehow managed to trap a fly under my remaining two slices and couldn’t finish them 😦 And no it wasn’t there beforehand, I can be certain of this because he was under the same spot that I kept buttering my slices. The mussels were also really good, but it has become apparent that I shouldn’t eat things like that in public. I ended up with butter wine broth splattered all over my glasses & the tablecloth, uh and the napkin.

For our entrées, I chose the roasted scallops served with grilled veggies & lemon spinach risotto. And a Thai curry sauce for the scallops. The scallops were amazing, but it turns I am not a fan of risotto. The whole al dente thing just doesn’t work for me in rice. Which was too bad because the flavourings were really good. But I LOVE lemon and spinach together, it’s how I make my couscous.I managed to get risotto on my chest & sauce on my nose, a testament to how classy we are. Can’t eat dinner without getting it all over me.

Not my specific plate because we didn’t order wine…. surprisingly but it IS what I ordered.

Eric opted for the special which was a sesame crusted salmon filet over a creamy risotto and a golden beet and tomato salad. His sauce was an orange miso, which was wonderful, in fact I could have licked his plate when he was finished. He also wasn’t the biggest fan of the risotto but said that he would eat it again but he didn’t ‘love’ it. We opted out of dessert in favour of Cows ice cream cone. I had my heart set on bubblegum and there was none so I didn’t get one at all, I was not pleased but I saw nothing else that I really wanted so Eric got himself a mint chocolate chunk cone & I had a lick of that while we sauntered down to the casino.

We are such huge spenders at the casino. We took out a whopping $20 for the both of us and played the slots a little. Mostly I just wanted to go there to do something a little bit different. Neither one of us are big gamblers and the flash and dazzle aren’t big draws for us. So a couple bucks and I pulled the arm like the do in the movies and we were done with a whole 18 cents left to our twenty, hehe.

So we decided to head home, back on the ferry.

Got home, literally stripped ourselves of dinner clothes and into pjs to watch So You Think You Can Dance. If I could have just one eighth of the grace those dancers have, I’d be set.

And then we retired to the bedroom, stay out of there you pervs.

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I originally wanted to do a photo blog but the dog was in need of a walk so I decided to grab the hubby and take Zacky swimming. Problem is…. School’s out so the beach area around home is packed with screeching anklebiters & my dog gets ridiculously excited in crowds. Also he does not get along well with other dogs & the likelihood of running into other dogs is more probable at the beach area than other parts of the lake. i thought about sending the hubby home with the dog alone after he was sufficiently tuckered out but I opted for the I am still cool look today in my sunglasses (therefore I cannot see a bloody thing) and an old bra, with no support, because I can actually wear it with my t-shirts, unlike the one which actually supports me, & my first pair of homemade jean shorts since I was a teen.

Me…. Being the coolest I can possibly be 🙂

Shortly after lathering ourselves up with sunscreen we took off down the street, moseying along at a good sniffing pace. Tongue flopping out with a goofy grin on his face <<< That was just the hubby. Surprisingly we didn’t see a single dog until we left the swimming hole, and in reality we didn’t even see that dog he just started yelling at Boogs from the balcony.


I have only one dog. He has several names we call him on a regular basis. So to save confusion I could call him Zack (his official, on his license name), Zacky, Booger, Boogs, Goobs, Goober, Schmoodle, Stinks, Stinker, Schmoodle Schmooderson, Goobie, Boogie, Zacharias, & sometimes Sweet Pea. I’m sure there could be more but for the purposes of this blog I’ll refrain from using others…. Well today

So we’re walking along on the path, on our way to Zacky’s swimming hole when he decides that he’s just going to run in and out of all the super tall grass and send insects whizzing at my face. WTF Boogs WTF. I might have wanted to stop & snap a photo but he wasn’t having any of that. He knows exactly where he’s going and he’s got no time to stop while Mom takes a picture of a bug that he’d rather just scarf down, burping out bug breath. Ooops scratch that, one stop he had time for but I won’t go into that one…

We’ve Arrived!! Welcome to Zacky’s Swimming Hole. In the background there’s an island I want to visit once we finally get around to getting that raft. Today there is a ridiculous amount of seagulls on that grouping of rocks further away. Those bastards are loud and annoying, not to mention Halifax seagulls (okay birds in general) are massive gluttonous creatures that could probably take on my 80lb dog and come out victorious.

Gooby’s testing out the waters. I think he’s decided that, the water’s good times and it’s now time to head out and rock the wet dog smell.

While I stayed dry on land snapping pics Eric took the dog in. You might be asking why on Earth the dog is still on his leash? Well my dog likes to run & since I rather like him, he’s my best friend, I like for him not to drown or run off into the close by busy intersection. It may not look like it from these pics but there is an industrial area not far off on the right side of these pictures. 80lb dog versus several tonne transport is not a vision I intend to see, so he stays on his leash. Although we definitely have to get him a longer one than his regular walking leash. So off they went, daddy & dog, to play in the water with whatever could be found to be slightly entertaining.

Apparently I was far too close to where the mic is on my phone so I’m overly shrieky in addition to being normally nasally & have some strange cackle towards the middle. Yeeeeah… Sorry ’bout that.

During this whole swim fun, which I didn’t participate in. Damn me and my oversight, should have brought some sandals or ratty old shoes so I could go swim too. Next time. So yeah during this fun time I was running around on land listening carefully for other dogs incoming or shrieking children or even pot heads looking for a quiet place to smoke. Found some beautiful dragonflies, shimmering a gorgeous royal blue. Think I could get off a shot, noooo, darn things wouldn’t stay still long enough, Pooo. Ran into some ants which I still have to look up. Fairly certain they were carpenter ants, Half red & half black & fairly large but going to give it a whirl later on either http://www.whatsthatbug.com or http://www.bugguide.net

Back to swimming Zack…

I wish I’d been able to get him while he does his funny swim. Sometimes he’ll bite at the water and it looks so funny. Almost like he’s saying to himself, “Gotta get this water out of my way, get out of here water!”

Buuuuuuut Daddy, I wanna go see Mom now!! She’s got sticks up there & I want ’em.

A man and his dog. He was sitting nicely in his arms just before this but apparently I am just too slow on the snap. He’s decided he’s going exploring over there and that’s that!.

Come on Dad, hurry up. There’s some ‘splorin’ to do.

Zack the Sea Monsteeeer!!

Sadly this is highly typical of how we talk to each other as the dog, and then answer. Are we dorks?

I would say, um yeah did you not see that video??

As we were walking home I noticed that Goobs was sparkling like the Twilight vamps in the sun. I tried to get a picture of it but it didn’t transfer well. But let it be known that if my dog was a vampire he’s be much cooler than the Cullens…. By far! In fact he’s already one up, he has fangs, lol.

So I haven’t included a blast from the past in the past few blogs so getting back to tradition. Here is Zacky’s winter time fun. What we like to call snowplowin’ Really he’s just trying to take his Husher off, but sSsssshh don’t ruin my fun!

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Last night I woke up really upset, not to mention creeped out completely. I had not only given birth…… to a freaking foal of all things but my husband handed me divorce papers because I had pimples on my chin. Sadly this can’t even be considered my strangest dream because I apparently have an incredibly vivid imagination while I am asleep. Here’s a recount of some of the stranger dreams I’ve had..

Last night:

For whatever reason Eric & I had an urban farm area smack dab in the middle of the city. And on this farm (totally just got Old MacDonald stuck in my head ;-p) we had horses, but also some kind of scientists. The scientists implanted me with horse junk while I was riding a massive black stallion in a horse parade through the Dartmouth ghetto. Next thing I knew I was in my apartment bathroom and a huge splat of nastiness fell out of me, on the floor & partly landed on the dog. Sorry Boogs…. I went to tell my husband incredulously that I had just given birth to a foal & he decides he’s going to call his father to tell him without even bothering to say anything to me at all. So, in total Van fashion, I kept interrupting him to tell him again and again and why wasn’t he helping me. He then gives a huff and tells his father that he’s gotta go. He gets up silently and hands me 2 sets of divorce papers and an extra copy of one of the single pages. At this point I have no clue where the horse is, in fact I don’t see him again for the rest of the dream. I ask Eric why he’s divorcing me, and then scream it at him when he doesn’t answer me. Finally he sighs and says, “You’ve got acne on your chin & she says that you can get treatment for that but you don’t.” In the best snotty voice ever I sneered, “SHE, who the fuck is SHE?” It doesn’t matter he replies, this is about you. And then I woke up only to find my husband missing. Okay he was only in the bathroom but in my sleep boggled mind he was gone… And I don’t even have pimples on my chin as an excuse….

When I was a child I absolutely loved the Child’s Play movies. Should I have even seen at that age, yeah, probably not. But that’s besides the point. They didn’t actually scare me per se but they did prompt strange recurring nightmares that DID scare me so I assume there were some aspects that did scare me subliminally. In this dream I was always being chased by a tiny little basketball player wearing a red jersey. he was a vicious little bastard too. In one of my dreams I was living in Waterloo on Peppler Street and he wanted to kill me so bad he took a bulldozer to our house. Ripping off chunk by slow agonizing chunk of our front porch while taunting me to just come out and make it easier on everyone else. He chased me on his itty bitty legs up the street to a local playground where I completely outdumbassed the bimbos from horror movies by getting on the swing to try and kick him away while I was going to jump away after and run. WTF, really!! These dreams eventually stopped somewhere around my mid-teens years & I don’t think he’d ever actually gotten me but I can’t be certain anymore.

When you start having dreams about work I think it’s become apparent that you spend entirely too much time there. Shortly after I became and assistant manager for Shit Stop in KW I had a dream that the new store I had been moved to was attacked by ninja assassins. These guys literally came out of the ceiling tiles, completely dressed in black with those silver throwing stars. Which they then proceeded to throw at me in ninja fashion. I don’t even watch ninja movies where the fuck did this come from?? After they threw a zillion star thingys they just left, they were either really good or really bad because they didn’t hit me once…

Another time I was working in C’ton at the gas station I had a dream that I was in the back cooler having dirty sex with Eric. Why dirty you ask? No not anything especially fun in THAT department, but if you’ve ever been in a walk in drinks cooler, you’ll know that they are a sticky dirty mess and I was in there getting plowed by my boyfriend. Oh did I forget to mention that I also had two turkeys on each of my hands…. Yeah, oh and the store was open for business too so when people came back to by Pepsi I pushed it at them with my turkey fisting hands while Eric pumped away behind me.

What I hate the most is when I have dreams that repeat themselves all night long. I’ve recently had one where I was sitting in Hell’s Kitchen on a stool just reaching out to some unknown desire. Over and over again I dreamed this same thing that night. I’ve also repeat dreamed sitting on a beach for a sunset while a lone sailboat drifted by in front of the setting sun, sounds beautiful right? Not so much on the hundredth float by.

I have game dreamed several times as well. When I first started playing WoW I kept dreaming quests after I went to sleep. I’ve dreamed Angry Birds levels. Played slumber Bejeweled and killed Diablo several times while I tossed and turned.

I have never had a falling dream that I can remember. I have, however, had a dream where I was standing on my friend Leah’s balcony (15th floor) and walked the railing looking while thinking about jumping. I have flown many times, sometimes with wings, sometimes not. Once I even flew in a fantasy land (probably after reading a book) on a sea monster. Bet you expected dragon there right?

I have had dreams in which I’ve left my husband for another woman. Others in which he’s left me. Sex dreams with who knows & one with an animal. That was disturbing!!!

I have also dreamed up ideas. I came up with the decorating scheme for our wedding head table in a dream. A story idea which never came to fruition, something about mermaids…. And an idea for a painting I want to try sometime in the near future. Since I don’t paint and can’t draw to save my life (my stick people look fat…) this should be interesting.

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The sun shines bright

But my soul doesn’t see

The darkness that hides within

Has enveloped the rest of me

As the salt leaks rivers to my chin

The flesh softened thumps grow frenzied

And the guilt expands to leave nothing else

The wounds grow raw

Grate against my conscious

Whispers from tangles of cloth

A guttural choke escapes

I fight to withdraw

To detach the feeling of the void

Swirls of darkness appear

Rising flesh and emotions

I still


Breath catching

I rise

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