That’s It!!

I am officially done eating.

Doesn’t matter what it is, I gobble it down

I can’t take much more of this

so

I’m done

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Out of sorts and out of ideas

If you’ve ever had the feeling of complete emptiness & weren’t sure how to fix it, I’m there & I’m sorry you’ve ever felt this way. It feels so wrong to be so down when, in reality, I have it nowhere near as bad as others. But I can’t seem to shake it regardless. For every day I work I see 2 homeless men, one is quite obvious, he smells like a portapotty and could seriously use some meds & new clothes. He believes I am Russian & his mother gave birth to Patsy Cline in the Soviet Union in the 1930’s, also I was also apparently married to some man he hated in the 60’s. He believes that one of my co-workers murdered someone in the 60’s and frequently succumbs to cursing fits in our coffee section corner. I do not allow myself to fall into the same manner of thinking as some of my co-workers that he somehow brought this life on himself & I often buy his coffee for two reasons: 1. I’m sorry but I do not want to touch his money, and while many people may find that incredibly rude (and it probably is) I have a bit of a germy issue and already wash my hands a ridiculous amount of times, I do not think I could handle that. and 2. If I can’t spend two bucks to give somebody a hot drink who could truly use it I seriously need to re-evaluate my priorities. And on to the second man, he is much less obvious about his current living arrangements and to my eyes appears quite sane, and fairly clean, though well worn.

(After that spiel, I forgot why I went on and on & had to go back to the beginning of my post to find out)

The whole point is that despite knowing and seeing this with my own eyes it still pains me to smile and I can feel the emptiness inside my chest, like it should ache but it doesn’t, it’s just nothing. Then I feel guilty about feeling this way and I am pushed further into despair. What right do I have in my apartment with my husband and pets, technology and a full fridge to feel this way? But it won’t go away despite what I know, despite the guilt weighing me down.

Here is where my life stands today:

I head back to classes next week, I lack the funds to pay for my books or the rest of my school supplies.I fear that the way I feel is going to take a toll on my grades, last year it did & I was not as deeply affected as I currently am. I fear that my brain will not keep up with what it needs to and I will fail, I do not deal well with failure.

My dog is having health issues and I lack the funds to bring him to the vet so I’ve been treating him myself with some polysporin, peroxide and goldbond. I feel like a failure once again & I’ve already said that I do not deal well with failure.

There was a time when I had a full time job that I didn’t love but I worked with and I was damn good at it. I had money in the bank and plans, adult plans. Things changed, the company I was working for changed hands and my goals changed, drastically. I wonder all too often if I have made the right decisions, especially when I am going through these trying times.

I spend entirely too much time in tears. Tears of frustration, of anger and since I am being honest, self loathing a good part of the time. I truly do not like myself, and it’s not merely an appearance thing. Yes I hate the way I look, and I feel as though there is nothing I can do about it. I’m fat and yet losing weight does not come easily & I find myself green with envy over my friends’ accomplishments and lacking any real motivation to begin my own.

I can’t find any happiness in the upcoming births of my newest nieces and nephews, and although I try to fake it I can sense that there is something off and not quite right with it that I am sure is being noticed. Am I jealous? Yes I am, of course I am. How can it be so easy for others to bring life into this world when my body struggles to even have a proper cycle. A little while ago somebody made a comment to my friend Amy about their family being perfect now that they had a boy, a girl and the two parents. Having a single (gorgeous) child that they are perfectly happy with and no plans to have any more, this irked her. All I could think at this time was how pathetic & pitiful my life would seem to the person with the perfect family.

On top of everything else, my husband & I are having some issues. I do not want to go into them here because it would be unfair to him to do so. In one clear moment today I suggested that we see a couples therapist but the look on his face at that revelation shut that down immediately. He was more than a little uncomfortable with that idea & I get it, I only every once in awhile feel brave enough to admit my problems to somebody else. There is a reason I did not post this to Facebook, but still made it public; a ploy to try and make myself accountable. Having to resort to a therapist, a shrink, a psychologist is something that I can understand…. for other people. For myself it is a weakness, and in addition to not taking failure well I certainly do not deal with weakness well. But I am losing patience more often than not these days, I snap at my husband often and have contemplated leaving him for his own good. Ultimately I am too selfish to do so, but he would be better off with someone more deserving, someone nicer, sexier and someone who has all their shit together. He is not going to be pleased with this, but again I have to reiterate that I am trying to make myself more accountable and I don’t think he understands just how low I get. He is oblivious to what is right in front of him and doesn’t see that there are problems that need to be addressed.

And that is an update on the state of my being. I am a poor excuse of a human being right now, and I do things that I probably shouldn’t when I am down here. Again not something I want to put out into cyberspace, but that’s the way it seems to go for me. Before I even realize what I’ve done, I’m on my second round….

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My thoughts on today’s youth

I recently got rid of all the apps on my phone because I was beyond bored with them. I kept Angry Birds however, because, Damn It, I am determined to finish the thing. When?? I have no idea since I can’t remember the last time I actually played it, but I WILL finish it. Anywhooo, on to my story. So after I deleted things I realized that I needed something to fidget with on my phone so I downloaded a Bingo app.

Sidenote: I realize that this is going to make me look like an old biddy, what with the playing Bingo & harping on kids……. but some things need to be said. Now listen up, Granny’s talkin’!!

Alrighty, so I downloaded a Bingo app called Lucky Bingo, it seemed like one of the few free ones that actually resembled Bingo. I tried a few others that were plain ridiculous. Unfortunately this game seems to be masquerading as a KIK messenger app living advertisement. There is a chat when you play and so many people don’t even actually play, they just log in to chat and try to get others to add them on this KIK thingy. Now since a good portion of them aren’t even playing you’d think it would be nice & easy to win right?? Not even close, I get so frustrated but at the same time it’s slightly addicting. Back to the chat thingy, do you remember chat rooms back in the day when pervy people would write ASL & no doubt someone would answer & then they’d try to pull you into chatting one on one if they liked what they heard. That is essentially what this is coming across as. IN fact I actually saw someone type ASL the other day & nearly rolled off the bed laughing. The problem I’m finding is that some of these kids are saying that they’re anywhere between 13 & 18 generally, and since so few people tell the truth on the internet (except me, I’m totally honest all the time ;-p) I have a hard time to believe them as they invite others to chat with them on KIK. It has the adult in me cringing with the knowledge that most of them are not as they appear. Which leads me to my next thought, why on Earth would a 13 year old download a Bingo app in the first place & how on Earth did a friggin’ Bingo app become home to picking people up??!?? This seriously boggles my mind.

My next bits may offend some of you out there, my apologies, well sorta. If you become offended perhaps you should take a good look around you and truly listen to what I’m saying. But know this, I am not a parent nor will I ever be a parent to anything other than furry four legged dudes so like Jon Snow I know nothing & you can either cast aside my opinions or tell me to Fuck Off, most likely I won’t give a damn but go on & give it your best shot if that’s what you feel you need to do.

I know some very good mothers & I know some pretty rotten ones as well. Children need stimulation, I know this because I was once a child myself. The best mothers take time out of their day to interact with their child & give them stimulation, they realize that the tv is not the only option for ‘something to do’. They give their child information that is not only meant to keep them quiet. My friend Amy is perhaps one of the best that I’ve seen when it comes to explaining things to her child. I see many others take the baby voice and give minimal explanation as to how something works or why you must abide by certain things, but she generally takes the time to explain, in what I have coined the patient Mommy voice, to her now 4 year old (man time flies) the workings of the world. World, okay ,maybe a bit extreme but in a way yes, because I have no doubts that this child will grow up well. I was on the ferry the other day when I heard another mother explaining to her two children the methodology behind parking a massive Navy boat. It was amazing to listen to her talk, engrossed in teaching her children. Too few parents do this, instead we have children running around with technology that they don’t need at the ages they’re getting it at. Please don’t misinterpret that as I don’t think children should be using technology, because in this day and age that would not be a reality.  But a ten year old spending all their time on their cell phones, texting their friends & playing games is a little ridiculous in my opinion.

I have another friend, who I will not name because 1. I’ve never cleared talking about her before, which I’m pretty sure I’ve done with Amy & 2. She’s not a huge part of my life anymore, which seems to be the case with a lot of my friends, but that’s a story for another day. She does a great job at balancing with her children, they might play games inside but they are also well socialized & play outdoors often, including organized sports. I think trying organized sports is important actually, not only because nothing tried is nothing gained but because it teaches discipline & teamwork & also when they go to school they kind of have no choice about playing sports in gym anyway so why not give them a head start, like you do when you teach them their numbers & alphabet before they go.

I’m probably the most paranoid person out there when it comes to young children, they start to fall I gasp so loud they can hear me in China. But I also know that in order to learn they also have to fail (& fall). This doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. Kids are given the answers to things without trying for themselves. Grade one, here’s a calculator & a laptop & oh yeah if you’re wrong well we won’t use red pen or tell you you’re wrong, we’ll just explain a better way. It’s no wonder that teacher’s are having a tough time finding work, they don’t get the chance to teach anymore. Maybe it’s just Nova Scotia but with the issues teachers everywhere seem to be having I highly doubt it. I have a friend who just recently became a teacher & found work in China due to the lack of jobs here, I’m going to have to ask her about her experiences to give myself a little more information I think.

So my problem is…. and I see it everywhere I go now. Youth have this sense of entitlement & it’s undeserved. Many of them have this attitude about them that says I’m top of the food chain honey & you had better deal with it. Hey parents, this is on you. Teach your kids some humility, it’ll save them a little heartbreak some time in the future. So many of them come in to the workforce expecting a pay check for nothing, because they’ve just been given everything. Trust me when I say I’ll take them down a peg, in my world you have to earn what you get, not just be there to accept it. Think I’m being cruel, take a walk into a place that employs mostly teenagers & you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about.

The kids I see coming into their first year of university are about half and half, and if I was the parent of the work I see coming from these guys, they’d be getting themselves a job and paying for their own education so damn fast they’d get whiplash.

I say, Stop being lazy and allowing technology to raise your children for you. Otherwise your kids might be living with you until the day you die because they’ve never learned to be self-sufficient in anything other than keeping up with the latest iPhone release or the like. You chose to have kids now you need to finish the job too…. Or your kids could be the ones sexting random strangers because they’ve never learned or simply want attention.

Playing Bingo, Mom. Uh huh…

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On How I Spent My Anniversary

The day started out as per usual. I woke up way before my husband so I could enjoy my Facebook time all alone. I decided that I was all out splurging on a decadent (homemade) coffee. Super sweet & super creamy & also super bad for me….. I loaded up one of the Sumatra blends with my Blend Cream & International Coffee’s Mocha Fudge Cream & settled down to watch the Primate episode of BBC’s Earth Series Life. Oh How I love me some monkeys and the like.

(You can actually watch the entire episode on YouTube, but it will never look as good as it does in your own home of course. I could count every hair on the face of an orangutan)

At some point my incessant giggling at the cuteness and such I must have woken up the dog to his need to tinkle. With the dog came the husband & the morning was much less peaceful ;-p. We had breakfast, more like ,brunch together. A scrambled egg,spinach, mushroom wrap with lettuce, tomato, cheese, salsa & sour cream. We even broke our own rules and bought some fake bacon, super processed chicken made to taste like bacon. It was delicious, salty salty deliciousness.

Unfortunately it was time for me to go shopping. I am not a typical “girl” who jumps for joy at the mention of shopping & malls. Blech…. But I wanted to look nice since we never go out anywhere. I had checked out a couple things online & had decided to head out to Value Village to see if anything could be had there. But the trek was a long way when I couldn’t be certain there would be anything & it would require patience and a tedious search through tons of things so I opted for the dreaded shopping mall.

*Shudder*

I went to all of 3 stores, yippeeeee!! Reitmans where I found my dress. Unfortunately it was not the one I really wanted, which was also on sale for $25. The one I found is a really stretchy material and one of the very few not on sale so I paid full price for it. Sucky since I haven’t a clue when I would have a chance to wear it again.

I also needed a pair of shoes to wear with it since the only thing I have left is 2 pairs of running shoes & drab dress shoes that are meant to wear under dress pants not a flowy skirt. I checked PayLess for something cheap but would match. No such luck. So I headed into Zellers and found their shoe section in a hurricane zone. Apparently every damn thing is on sale in preparation for Target incoming I imagine. I found a nice pair of wedge sandals but the wedge was so skinny it still felt like a high heel and this dork couldn’t walk in them. So I found a pair of 40% off almost flats with a flower thing on them. No black in my size so I opted for a dark brown instead of hot pink & hoped no one would care enough to notice. On my way to the cash I noticed all the purses were also on clearance so I thought, what the heck. Found a small black thing for $10. Woot, score! I didn’t actually own a purse before, I simply stuck whatever I wanted to carry with me into a reusable canvas bag bearing the Halifax Library on it. I’m trés cool, lol. And before that I used a Chapter’s reusable bag…

Got home & Eric & I decided to watch America’s Got Talent results show. No big surprises there for me except the ending when the younger girl was left standing with Rebekah & Donovan rather than the judges decision being between the crossbow act & R&D. I do have to say though that Howard Stern is beginning to grate on my nerves. I like him & I also like that the judges have begun to critique this year but I hate that he makes everything about himself. It’s not your fucking stage Howard, get off the pot.

After all the boringness of getting ready we headed down to catch the ferry. Two reasons, 1. I love the ferry & 2. It’s close to the restaurant we had chosen. I spent the entire time traveling to the restaurant asking Eric if I looked like a prostitute because everytime I looked down all I could see was boob, lots & lots of boob. I can’t help it, I wasn’t looking for a turtleneck dress in the middle of summer….

Quick sidenote though: I realized (officially) that all that business up front causes me insane backache. Standing up straight is incredibly painful and would leave me a cramp where my front ribs meet my back ribs. I think I will have to suck it up and see a doctor about a reduction because it truly makes my life miserable.

Just before we left.

On the ferry.

You know, I feel like I’m smiling but it doesn’t come across as though I am….. I swear I am not a miserable bitch. Well not there I wasn’t.

We get to the waterfront and decide to wander for a bit because we’re early for our reservation. Lo & behold….

Friggin’ Spiderman.

We missed the shot of him on the barricade part kneeling down in that Spiderman way. Darn.

So we walked the waterfront, me jiggling all the way & my husband pleased all the way. Apparently he likes my dress, eyeroll.

So we had an earlier debate on where to go for out dinner. We were stuck between McKelvie’s, The Keg & Salty’s. We ultimately decided that we wanted seafood because that’s a tradition. We decided on Salty’s because we had never tried it before & it had amazing reviews. http://www.saltys.ca/ We were seated upstairs, in the classy section, although trust me when I say there is little classy about us. We were actually a little disappointed because we had found what we wanted on the downstairs casual menu &  didn’t see anything that called out for us on the classy menu. But we ate some bread and debated because it seemed so rude to the waiter to up and leave for another section especially after we had made the reservation & didn’t specify where we wanted to sit.

We ordered ourselves some Long Island Iced Teas, which are so delicious. I didn’t expect that the first time I tried them, but Yum! We were served some complimentary bread which was crap in comparison to McKelvie’s bread but the cornbread that I ordered as an app with our steamed mussels was Nummy Nummy. And priced well too. Two small loaves for $3.95, unfortunately I somehow managed to trap a fly under my remaining two slices and couldn’t finish them 😦 And no it wasn’t there beforehand, I can be certain of this because he was under the same spot that I kept buttering my slices. The mussels were also really good, but it has become apparent that I shouldn’t eat things like that in public. I ended up with butter wine broth splattered all over my glasses & the tablecloth, uh and the napkin.

For our entrées, I chose the roasted scallops served with grilled veggies & lemon spinach risotto. And a Thai curry sauce for the scallops. The scallops were amazing, but it turns I am not a fan of risotto. The whole al dente thing just doesn’t work for me in rice. Which was too bad because the flavourings were really good. But I LOVE lemon and spinach together, it’s how I make my couscous.I managed to get risotto on my chest & sauce on my nose, a testament to how classy we are. Can’t eat dinner without getting it all over me.

Not my specific plate because we didn’t order wine…. surprisingly but it IS what I ordered.

Eric opted for the special which was a sesame crusted salmon filet over a creamy risotto and a golden beet and tomato salad. His sauce was an orange miso, which was wonderful, in fact I could have licked his plate when he was finished. He also wasn’t the biggest fan of the risotto but said that he would eat it again but he didn’t ‘love’ it. We opted out of dessert in favour of Cows ice cream cone. I had my heart set on bubblegum and there was none so I didn’t get one at all, I was not pleased but I saw nothing else that I really wanted so Eric got himself a mint chocolate chunk cone & I had a lick of that while we sauntered down to the casino.

We are such huge spenders at the casino. We took out a whopping $20 for the both of us and played the slots a little. Mostly I just wanted to go there to do something a little bit different. Neither one of us are big gamblers and the flash and dazzle aren’t big draws for us. So a couple bucks and I pulled the arm like the do in the movies and we were done with a whole 18 cents left to our twenty, hehe.

So we decided to head home, back on the ferry.

Got home, literally stripped ourselves of dinner clothes and into pjs to watch So You Think You Can Dance. If I could have just one eighth of the grace those dancers have, I’d be set.

And then we retired to the bedroom, stay out of there you pervs.

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Out N’ About With the Dog

I originally wanted to do a photo blog but the dog was in need of a walk so I decided to grab the hubby and take Zacky swimming. Problem is…. School’s out so the beach area around home is packed with screeching anklebiters & my dog gets ridiculously excited in crowds. Also he does not get along well with other dogs & the likelihood of running into other dogs is more probable at the beach area than other parts of the lake. i thought about sending the hubby home with the dog alone after he was sufficiently tuckered out but I opted for the I am still cool look today in my sunglasses (therefore I cannot see a bloody thing) and an old bra, with no support, because I can actually wear it with my t-shirts, unlike the one which actually supports me, & my first pair of homemade jean shorts since I was a teen.

Me…. Being the coolest I can possibly be 🙂

Shortly after lathering ourselves up with sunscreen we took off down the street, moseying along at a good sniffing pace. Tongue flopping out with a goofy grin on his face <<< That was just the hubby. Surprisingly we didn’t see a single dog until we left the swimming hole, and in reality we didn’t even see that dog he just started yelling at Boogs from the balcony.

Sidenote:

I have only one dog. He has several names we call him on a regular basis. So to save confusion I could call him Zack (his official, on his license name), Zacky, Booger, Boogs, Goobs, Goober, Schmoodle, Stinks, Stinker, Schmoodle Schmooderson, Goobie, Boogie, Zacharias, & sometimes Sweet Pea. I’m sure there could be more but for the purposes of this blog I’ll refrain from using others…. Well today

So we’re walking along on the path, on our way to Zacky’s swimming hole when he decides that he’s just going to run in and out of all the super tall grass and send insects whizzing at my face. WTF Boogs WTF. I might have wanted to stop & snap a photo but he wasn’t having any of that. He knows exactly where he’s going and he’s got no time to stop while Mom takes a picture of a bug that he’d rather just scarf down, burping out bug breath. Ooops scratch that, one stop he had time for but I won’t go into that one…

We’ve Arrived!! Welcome to Zacky’s Swimming Hole. In the background there’s an island I want to visit once we finally get around to getting that raft. Today there is a ridiculous amount of seagulls on that grouping of rocks further away. Those bastards are loud and annoying, not to mention Halifax seagulls (okay birds in general) are massive gluttonous creatures that could probably take on my 80lb dog and come out victorious.

Gooby’s testing out the waters. I think he’s decided that, the water’s good times and it’s now time to head out and rock the wet dog smell.

While I stayed dry on land snapping pics Eric took the dog in. You might be asking why on Earth the dog is still on his leash? Well my dog likes to run & since I rather like him, he’s my best friend, I like for him not to drown or run off into the close by busy intersection. It may not look like it from these pics but there is an industrial area not far off on the right side of these pictures. 80lb dog versus several tonne transport is not a vision I intend to see, so he stays on his leash. Although we definitely have to get him a longer one than his regular walking leash. So off they went, daddy & dog, to play in the water with whatever could be found to be slightly entertaining.

Apparently I was far too close to where the mic is on my phone so I’m overly shrieky in addition to being normally nasally & have some strange cackle towards the middle. Yeeeeah… Sorry ’bout that.

During this whole swim fun, which I didn’t participate in. Damn me and my oversight, should have brought some sandals or ratty old shoes so I could go swim too. Next time. So yeah during this fun time I was running around on land listening carefully for other dogs incoming or shrieking children or even pot heads looking for a quiet place to smoke. Found some beautiful dragonflies, shimmering a gorgeous royal blue. Think I could get off a shot, noooo, darn things wouldn’t stay still long enough, Pooo. Ran into some ants which I still have to look up. Fairly certain they were carpenter ants, Half red & half black & fairly large but going to give it a whirl later on either http://www.whatsthatbug.com or http://www.bugguide.net

Back to swimming Zack…

I wish I’d been able to get him while he does his funny swim. Sometimes he’ll bite at the water and it looks so funny. Almost like he’s saying to himself, “Gotta get this water out of my way, get out of here water!”

Buuuuuuut Daddy, I wanna go see Mom now!! She’s got sticks up there & I want ’em.

A man and his dog. He was sitting nicely in his arms just before this but apparently I am just too slow on the snap. He’s decided he’s going exploring over there and that’s that!.

Come on Dad, hurry up. There’s some ‘splorin’ to do.

Zack the Sea Monsteeeer!!

Sadly this is highly typical of how we talk to each other as the dog, and then answer. Are we dorks?

I would say, um yeah did you not see that video??

As we were walking home I noticed that Goobs was sparkling like the Twilight vamps in the sun. I tried to get a picture of it but it didn’t transfer well. But let it be known that if my dog was a vampire he’s be much cooler than the Cullens…. By far! In fact he’s already one up, he has fangs, lol.

So I haven’t included a blast from the past in the past few blogs so getting back to tradition. Here is Zacky’s winter time fun. What we like to call snowplowin’ Really he’s just trying to take his Husher off, but sSsssshh don’t ruin my fun!

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Strange Dreams

Last night I woke up really upset, not to mention creeped out completely. I had not only given birth…… to a freaking foal of all things but my husband handed me divorce papers because I had pimples on my chin. Sadly this can’t even be considered my strangest dream because I apparently have an incredibly vivid imagination while I am asleep. Here’s a recount of some of the stranger dreams I’ve had..

Last night:

For whatever reason Eric & I had an urban farm area smack dab in the middle of the city. And on this farm (totally just got Old MacDonald stuck in my head ;-p) we had horses, but also some kind of scientists. The scientists implanted me with horse junk while I was riding a massive black stallion in a horse parade through the Dartmouth ghetto. Next thing I knew I was in my apartment bathroom and a huge splat of nastiness fell out of me, on the floor & partly landed on the dog. Sorry Boogs…. I went to tell my husband incredulously that I had just given birth to a foal & he decides he’s going to call his father to tell him without even bothering to say anything to me at all. So, in total Van fashion, I kept interrupting him to tell him again and again and why wasn’t he helping me. He then gives a huff and tells his father that he’s gotta go. He gets up silently and hands me 2 sets of divorce papers and an extra copy of one of the single pages. At this point I have no clue where the horse is, in fact I don’t see him again for the rest of the dream. I ask Eric why he’s divorcing me, and then scream it at him when he doesn’t answer me. Finally he sighs and says, “You’ve got acne on your chin & she says that you can get treatment for that but you don’t.” In the best snotty voice ever I sneered, “SHE, who the fuck is SHE?” It doesn’t matter he replies, this is about you. And then I woke up only to find my husband missing. Okay he was only in the bathroom but in my sleep boggled mind he was gone… And I don’t even have pimples on my chin as an excuse….

When I was a child I absolutely loved the Child’s Play movies. Should I have even seen at that age, yeah, probably not. But that’s besides the point. They didn’t actually scare me per se but they did prompt strange recurring nightmares that DID scare me so I assume there were some aspects that did scare me subliminally. In this dream I was always being chased by a tiny little basketball player wearing a red jersey. he was a vicious little bastard too. In one of my dreams I was living in Waterloo on Peppler Street and he wanted to kill me so bad he took a bulldozer to our house. Ripping off chunk by slow agonizing chunk of our front porch while taunting me to just come out and make it easier on everyone else. He chased me on his itty bitty legs up the street to a local playground where I completely outdumbassed the bimbos from horror movies by getting on the swing to try and kick him away while I was going to jump away after and run. WTF, really!! These dreams eventually stopped somewhere around my mid-teens years & I don’t think he’d ever actually gotten me but I can’t be certain anymore.

When you start having dreams about work I think it’s become apparent that you spend entirely too much time there. Shortly after I became and assistant manager for Shit Stop in KW I had a dream that the new store I had been moved to was attacked by ninja assassins. These guys literally came out of the ceiling tiles, completely dressed in black with those silver throwing stars. Which they then proceeded to throw at me in ninja fashion. I don’t even watch ninja movies where the fuck did this come from?? After they threw a zillion star thingys they just left, they were either really good or really bad because they didn’t hit me once…

Another time I was working in C’ton at the gas station I had a dream that I was in the back cooler having dirty sex with Eric. Why dirty you ask? No not anything especially fun in THAT department, but if you’ve ever been in a walk in drinks cooler, you’ll know that they are a sticky dirty mess and I was in there getting plowed by my boyfriend. Oh did I forget to mention that I also had two turkeys on each of my hands…. Yeah, oh and the store was open for business too so when people came back to by Pepsi I pushed it at them with my turkey fisting hands while Eric pumped away behind me.

What I hate the most is when I have dreams that repeat themselves all night long. I’ve recently had one where I was sitting in Hell’s Kitchen on a stool just reaching out to some unknown desire. Over and over again I dreamed this same thing that night. I’ve also repeat dreamed sitting on a beach for a sunset while a lone sailboat drifted by in front of the setting sun, sounds beautiful right? Not so much on the hundredth float by.

I have game dreamed several times as well. When I first started playing WoW I kept dreaming quests after I went to sleep. I’ve dreamed Angry Birds levels. Played slumber Bejeweled and killed Diablo several times while I tossed and turned.

I have never had a falling dream that I can remember. I have, however, had a dream where I was standing on my friend Leah’s balcony (15th floor) and walked the railing looking while thinking about jumping. I have flown many times, sometimes with wings, sometimes not. Once I even flew in a fantasy land (probably after reading a book) on a sea monster. Bet you expected dragon there right?

I have had dreams in which I’ve left my husband for another woman. Others in which he’s left me. Sex dreams with who knows & one with an animal. That was disturbing!!!

I have also dreamed up ideas. I came up with the decorating scheme for our wedding head table in a dream. A story idea which never came to fruition, something about mermaids…. And an idea for a painting I want to try sometime in the near future. Since I don’t paint and can’t draw to save my life (my stick people look fat…) this should be interesting.

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The sun shines bright

But my soul doesn’t see

The darkness that hides within

Has enveloped the rest of me

As the salt leaks rivers to my chin

The flesh softened thumps grow frenzied

And the guilt expands to leave nothing else

The wounds grow raw

Grate against my conscious

Whispers from tangles of cloth

A guttural choke escapes

I fight to withdraw

To detach the feeling of the void

Swirls of darkness appear

Rising flesh and emotions

I still

….

Breath catching

I rise

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The One About What is Irritating To Me & Diablo3

I work part time at a gas station, & yes I realize that fueling stations are highly irksome for many people these days because of the gas prices. It sure does make having summer fun much more expensive, I get that but do you have to be such assholes when you come in to see me?!? This beginning part will entirely be about customer service fails (on both sides of the spectrum).

I work weekends, every weekend unless I specifically ask for one off & actually receive it but that’s besides the point… Point I’m trying to make is that while most people I see are enjoying their weekends I am at work pasting a smile on my face while YOU come in all miserable-like. WTF! Get a grip on yourself, you are not the center of the universe & simply because you are my customer I will not pretend you are.

Common courtesy goes a loooooong way. If someone greets you with a smile & asks how things are going, well the polite response would be, well honestly any one really. Don’t just shove your damned money at me and say $20. Or grunt at me, for the love of dog people, you are not hogs, how do sound so much like one? That goes without saying for the person on the other side of the counter too. For obvious reasons I will not name where I work but most FB people will know anyway 🙂 But there are some MAJOR idiots that work where I do, to the point that I left a very specific note pasted on the counter that it is the customers that pay our bills so start acting like it. There are few of us there that seem to know how to smile at people, it’s not that fucking hard. Or greet someone when they walk through the door or even at the very least when they get to the counter. It’s also a pet peeve of mine when cashiers ask, “Is that it?”, it sounds so damned rude to me, sometimes they even omit the IS, so “That it?”, no eye contact, no smile nothing really that says hey we appreciate your business. Does that clichéd? Yeah maybe so, but since my mom was a single mother  most of the time & raised us on a waitress’s wages, customer service meant the difference in what we ate. As a cashier it doesn’t quite work that way, but the value is still ingrained into me. I personally take pride in my own work,, I’ll be totally honest I really couldn’t care less about the company but they are damned lucky to have me & I don’t say that because I am conceited. However, I do my work and a good portion of other people’s as well because I can’t stand for people to think it was me that did such a terrible job. I also am quite good with customers even when, to be honest, I don’t much like people at all. What’s that? You want specifics. Oh you’re so on!!

This past weekend I gave a customer 15 cents change when he was supposed to get 13 cents, because I hate to count pennies. Well turns out his nickel was an American one. No biggie right, well you’d think I gave him one I had just spit on. He turns around, pushes past the customer who is at the counter now and throws it on the counter but doesn’t say anything. So I ask, “Is there something wrong?”. “I don’t want that.” he replies. “Okay?” So he looks at me for a second and then says in a snide voice, “I WANT a Canadian one!” If I had been thinking quickly enough, & wasn’t so incredulous I would have grabbed 3 cents from the penny cup and gave him those since all he entitled to was 13 cents but I was more surprised than anything. It’s a fucking nickel, not $50, get a grip on yourself asshole!

And from the other side. When you pick up the pump nozzle at out stores it gives us the most annoying noise in the world to authorize you to allow your pump to begin. Ideally we should respond quickly enough but that doesn’t always happen, especially if you have King Lazy behind the counter. Now King Lazy is a not very bright new person working at our store, if you think that’s not being very nice then you tell me how you would describe somebody who didn’t know how to use the calculator or what a decimal was used for. Yup, I am in no way kidding. What I can’t understand is how that even happens. He’s younger, somewhere around 20ish, and at that age when you go through school everything is done by calculators and computers not by your very capable brains (as it was when I went to school). So how on Earth does someone not know that ten dollars and twenty-five cents is put into the calculator as 10.25 or for people that don’t bother using calculators, not know how to convert the value in your head. Blow my mind… Anywhoooo, off topic so back I go. SO King Lazy is working ( well he’s there at work that is), and the gas pumps are going off for authorization and he’s got his ass stuck on a stepladder trying ever so hard to reach our screens by stretching. Ever see the Simpson’s NY episode where Homer tries to reach for the pizza place with one foot on his car, well yeah that’s basically the idea here. Obviously it doesn’t work out, so he sighs visibly, gets up, stretches his back first and THEN finally authorizes the pump(s). When these people come in the store he hauls himself back off the step stool and hits just one of the random pumps on the screen, tells the customer the amount only to be told that that was not the right pump. No greeting, no smile, no please or thank you. Not a fucking thing! I can’t stand cashiers like that, mostly because I hold them to my own standards which are high.

I believe in professionalism at work, even at a gas station or WalMart or wherever. There are certain things that should be done and certain things that should not. Going home with one of your customers that you just met is on the DO Not Do list in my opinion. But that line has been crossed several times by one employee where I work. A customer brushing a piece of lint of my chest has been done, I almost hauled off and punched him but somehow restrained. That was a brief stint at a bar for a second job, but I did not enjoy the dynamic of having convenience store customers who were normally on their best behaviour all of a sudden take a different turn, like the above scenario so that DID NOT last very long.  I also believe in not judging a book by its cover. I had a biker in this weekend who looked rough I’ll admit it, but that doesn’t mean I treated him any different. Apparently he gets a lot of that though because he told me it was nice to actually have someone treat him with respect and not vermin, and someone who actually smiled at him. He said people often see the leather M.C. jacket and assume he’s part of a gang. Really? People deserve respect no matter who they are unless they have done something to you personally to lose that, who the hell are we to judge anyone for what they like in the first place? I suppose when you grow up in a city with Hells Angels who were always nice when they came in the stores I worked at, you gain a different perspective.

I believe in customer service, it is a job looked down upon by so many people but without the service industry you would be shit out of luck for your goods. I created this a little while ago for some manager’s training I had to do, but it’s entirely relevant to so many other things.

 

It was meant as a reminder to the cashiers to smile for their customers & a little incentive to smile pretty. If The Rock in a dress doesn’t to it for you, well you are dead inside, lol.

After letting go of someone for their poor customer service, he asked us “Well do you expect me to fake it?” You’re fucking right I do!! If you come to work a miserable dick everyday I have no use for you. Everyone has those days, but you persevere through it & if you just can’t anymore then it’s high time you get out of there.

I would love to hear your own customer service nightmares below, so leave me a comment describing it, I have so many I truly think I might start a new blog about it because I’m already at 1500 words and I haven’t even started in on my second topic yet….

So on to the much anticipated Diablo 3 release. I have mostly been playing a monk & I really enjoy her but have been plagued by lag like many others but thankfully not half as bad as those in Australia or Taiwan have had it. One of my biggest peeves about this game is that it is online play only & I don’t like that aspect. If I am playing solo, I should not have to be online for that to happen, it leaves the game open to the lag issues & if you enter general chat it is FILLED with more gold spammers than WoW or people talking up their skills and everyone else’s lack thereof or trolls, lots and lots of damned trolls. Once I am in general chat I have no idea how to get out of it. I have not been pleased so far with loot drops, the rares I find are not suited for my monk so I am surviving on a lot of blues 😦 I have also tried the demon hunter who thus far I am not loving although I finally got something to hit groups with & that’s cool but it drains my resource quickly. So far the generator spell is weak and takes several hits & I don’t like that but once I’ve worked a bit more with the monk I’ll go back and play a bit more. I’ve also tried the witch doctor but I seriously can’t remember gameplay with her. I am the type of person who likes instant results, it’s why I am a terrible frost mage in WoW, it takes strafing and time, whereas I leveled with fire, bang bang you’re dead now & I love arcane because I’m quite honestly a lazy DPSer and I only have to hit a few buttons to kill things, still before they reach me. That’s the vibe I am getting from the DH, strafing and technique both of which I have no patience for. Probably why I’m a terrible PVPer as well. I still have the Wizard & the Barbarian to try yet, and am pleased to see that mana regen is soooo much quicker than it was in D2. For thos of you playing hard core, man oh man, all the power to you. I do not have the desire to do that because I would be SO pissed if I died & lost everything I had worked for. Okay I’ll be honest not if I died, WHEN I died. I know myself. But I still want to try playing with another person through battlenet, if I’m being forced to play online might as well give it a try with another person I guess. I also plan to give PVP a try, though I am sure it will have disastrous results, I am curious how it will work. Arena like I wonder? We’ll see I guess, but so far general chat has monks & demon hunters as the front liners for being epic PVPers, I don’t think even that will help me, although I can heal myself which is pretty awesome!!

 

Today’s Blast From The Past is Diablo 2 to go with D3. I played this before the first Diablo and it has been my fave since then, I hope that D3 will take over that spot but Blizz still has some things to fix first in my opinion. I could spend hours playing this game & often did. The necromancer & the assassin were probably my fave characters although I also enjoyed the druid and the paladin immensely. I can no longer play it on my computer because it begins blankign out terrain aspects so I can’t always see incoming mobs, not cool if youplan on staying alive.

 

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Big Babies

A couple things have come up recently that have been bugging me. Are we as a society getting more sensitive or just more open about what bothers us & how we feel about it? A few times this week I caught myself thinking, “What a bunch of big babies!” Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, you don’t have to like it or respect it but that’s the truth, you can do your best to express yourself  but don’t expect to convert someone to your thinking all the time. I think you should always make yourself known and make strong points in your opinions but at least know what the fuck you’re talking about when you make those points. Education doesn’t have to be academic, but people at least need to know what is going on in the world today, to shape yourself & your children (if that’s the path you chose). All parents want their children to be the best that they can be, you don’t have to be a parent to know this, but how can you expect them to do this if you don’t start teaching them.Anywhooooo….

As always, especially as of late, bullying is dominating the headlines. This is ABSOLUTELY NOT going to be about bullying not being as bad as it’s being made out to be, so relax you can keep reading. It’s a huge problem, and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better so why? A friend & I were talking (semi)recently about her co-worker who didn’t realize that his daughter was quite possibly a bully herself. I can relate to this, I was not a very nice kid, in fact I would be considered a bully by today’s standards. My position within our grade school clique was “The Heartbreaker”, I was the girl who told you in no uncertain terms that you were not good enough to hang out with us, who were we you ask. Nobody! That’s the problem, the people doing these things are nobodies, looking to be somebody. I’m not justifying it, not at all. I was mean, I was a bitch. I’m not proud of myself & I sincerely hope that I have apologized to everyone that I know of who I treated that way, I know I have to many, and some I couldn’t even begin to try to find. Would my mom have realized this, no most likely not. I was always a private person, but this is only put out there to make you realize that you have to be the leader in your child’s life. Know what they are up to & teach them. Teach them about self-confidence and how to stand up for themselves, talk about bullying, what it is & why it shouldn’t be done. It’s not up to the media & celebrities to tell your kids that things will get better, it should be the best it can get. The whole point is this spiel is that every single person is responsible for your own actions, blaming circumstance on everyone else just isn’t going to work.

Moving on, Hunger Games. Yup, I am going there. I am absolutely sick to death of the debate over this book (& movie). Again I reiterate, educate yourself on what your child is reading or wants to go watch. All those groups that bitch, moan and lament about what kids are reading/watching today…. Man shut the fuck up! Is it violent, yes it is. But it is a piece of creative work that plays on today’s societal issues. We live in a violent world, among so many other problems with it. We soak up all the terrible stuff actually happening in the world and run with it but a piece of fiction that makes you actually think (without actually hurting anyone) is a big no-no, where’s the logic in that.

                                 OR     

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Real families fleeing real threats of violence in Syria, yes a real country. Or a story that poses no real harm to you or your family. I can understand it not being your cup of tea, fine. But where is your outrage for what is really happening in the world today if those are the feelings that a fictional story evoke.

Social media has gotten completely out of hand. It seems to go in one extreme or the other most of the time. Total addict or couldn’t care less, but for the love of dog (<<Completely intentional, I don’t believe in god) people need to back out of your own business. Whatever your social media deal is, it’s yours not anyone else’s so make your own decision about how to deal with it. The only reason I keep my own FB active is because it’s all I really have to keep in touch with people back home. I’m not a good communicator, never have been and probably never will be. I can see how kids are growing and keep up with what’s happening in people’s lives easily. If someone doesn’t post a lot or posts too much, well deal with it in your own way, but trying to coerce someone to do what you wish them to do….Bitch please! I have a friend who’s currently thinking about de-activating her account and as much as I wish she wouldn’t it’s completely her decision and no one should be trying to make her decisions for her. Back out of people’s lives, it’s none of your business. And yeah I totally see the irony in what I’ve just written ;-p

On a happier note & not on this topic at all. Bones & Game of Throne & Nurse Jackie are all back. Yipp-frickin-pee!!

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My life’s update…..For those that give a damn

So…… I’m sure most of you have definitely seen me ranting about the implications that the damn transit strike has been having on my daily life so I’m only going to briefly mention a little bit (directly) about that. The problem is; that it has caused a ripple effect into the other aspects of my life.

Now I can understand, to a certain extent, the frustration on the part of the Amalgamated Transit Union. The cafeteria style scheduling system that they’ve been using for years is familiar to them and quite handy for those that have a family that require scheduling around. I also believe that people deserve raises for jobs well done. Of course that is not to say the transit workers always do a job well, in fact some of them are quite ignorant and rude,but there are always the people that make it worth it to see them. As with anything else I suppose. But I digress. At this point I am just getting ticked off, one group cannot get everything that they want, that’s not what negotiating is about. Regardless of what they do the public is going to be the one footing the bill in some way, shape or form so let’s just get on with it already The ATU has repeatedly said that it is not about the money, but yet when presented with their desired scheduling and a lower percentage raise it was turned down. SO let’s get real here, IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT MONEY!! Stop lying to us and the city and get it out there once and for all so maybe honesty can start things rolling. We’re on day 12 of this strike and there are no signs of ending at this point. I think it’s incredibly rude to post Peter Kelly’s phone number on a sign saying “Need a ride, call this number”. Peter Kelly is not the only one to blame for what is happening, and I am not a fan of Kelly and his perpetual nothing wrong here attitude. I find it rude the the paying public to throw it in our faces that some of us are left without ways to get to and from important places, like school and work. I liken it to the equivalent of someone heading exactly in the direction of where you are headed and not bothering to offer you a drive. No manners or respect. Everyone has to give a little to get a little, they have to understand that something has to be done to help alleviate the budgetary woes that go into the cafeteria style shift selection. Kids are told all the time that they can’t have everything just because they want it, is that what the Union is reduced to…children?? My mom used to tell me money doesn’t grow on trees, somebody should remind both the Union and HRM about that. Hey Mom, you want to do the honours?

The problems that have stemmed from this are hitting me hard. I am incredibly stressed out. I have to rely on strangers to try and get to classes which is incredibly frustrating. Walking two hours+ is really tough on my feet and legs and my poor old lady back. I need to get in to see the orthopedic specialist, but I lost my prescription and my doctor moved her office ridiculously far away and I can’t bloody well get there to get a new prescription. So I have no excuse (valid acceptable excuse) for missing classes or important exams because I couldn’t get to my doctor for a note anyway. Now I did walk home one day last week, and by the end of the walk I was limping so badly that I had to call Eric to come and meet me to take my backpack from me because I couldn’t take it much longer. It looks as though I have three walks ahead of me this week if I can handle it that is. I cannot afford taxi fare, it’s around $30 for one way, so if it comes down to it I can walk partway and cab it the rest of the way, but in all honesty I really can’t afford that either. Being a poor ass student stinks. So with all this stress and frustration I have been having a very difficult time focusing on my studying. Not good when I had 3 midterms last week. I did not do well on them at all. C+, B- and an A-. Completely unacceptable, I cannot have a mind that won’t focus. I wasn’t even sure if I could make it in to the university to write the exams in the first place, so I ran around trying to find a ride in between studying attempts. Not very efficient use of my time, just as writing this post is not a good way to study for my philosophy exam, but I have to get some things off my mind. So my grades are suffering, and I can’t afford to have that happening. I did not come back to school to do a shit job of it, it costs too damn much.

I also joined the gym the week before last, I have been twice. I haven’t had the time to get there in between trying to get to and from school or trying to study or just being totally played out from everything. I wanted to join the gym because I’m tired of being unhealthy and I’m tired of being a fatass. So I joined with full intentions of getting out there and working my ass off, quite literally. I haven’t made it in and stress makes me eat the worst crap I can possibly find. Which is just making me irritated and cranky. Not to mention headachy because I’m slouched over so much my back is perma-curved.

I also went back to the gynecologist, she did a pelvic exam and sent me on my way with another prescription for pills and an appointment for another damned ultrasound. I’m at the point where I just want to tell her to cut me open and take everything out, it’s causing me more problems than anything else. I can barely remember to take these pills twice a day……with an alarm, now I have to take them three times a day. I`d be perfectly happy with a two month cycle except for the pain I get leading up to it. I wear a bra with K cups, I do not need my breasts swollen for a good two weeks before if not more. Nor do I need the 3 weeks of cramping and intermittent nausea. It`s not fun and no one should have to deal with that. So for now I wait, again. Always waiting when it comes to my inner lady bits.

Here`s also a quick update on my classes so far this term, I hate almost all of them ;-p. Biology is a pain in my ass. I am not a dictionary, there is no bloody way I am going to remember all that terminology. My human geography class is the most utterly boring class in the world and I have no idea what the prof. is even looking for half the time or what he`s getting at. He admitted that he goes off on rambling tangents but this is beyond that. Philosophy is……. beyond my brain capacities I fear. I don`t care about what all these people think, nor can I keep my eyes from drooping while I try to read the most boring textbook I have had to date. The best part about it is finding all the spelling mistakes, apparently they couldn`t afford a good editor, lol. My oceans geography course is good, but International Law is confusing and there is a shit ton of maritime history. On the plus side, the `textbook`is not really a text book at all so it should be much less boring. And finally Geography of Canada is not too bad. I`ve always had a difficult time with demographic things so I struggle there, but I really enjoy that prof. so it`s all good.

It is customary that I finish with a blast from the past, today`s is actually me in grade one. I went to Brighton Public School in Waterloo, and in grade 1 I had my banana seat bike stolen from my yard and dumped in the sewer drain at the school yard, broke my arm falling off the monkey bars, and discovered my love for reading. What I would give to have just one day more of having no cares in the world besides trying to be the one who got to sit in the pillow laden claw foot tub in the class to read Robert Munsch or maybe Amelia Bedelia.

 

 

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