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I washed the tub.

I ran the water and added the lavender and vanilla bubble bath, and a few drops of peppermint essence.

The hot water ran out less than a quarter filled.

So, I waited.

Studied for an upcoming test, and got a little blue.

Maybe the hot water has come back.

So I gave it another go.

More bubbles, more mint, and a smidgen of epsom salts.

I disrobed and dipped one foot gingerly into the hot water.

Good to go.

All the way in.

I scratch my legs and my ankles. It’s always the first thing I do in a bath. I’m not sure why.

My thoughts flickered one after another, never pausing to let me see things clearly.

I decided to try a solo guided meditation. Maybe this environment is more conducive than a hard-backed office chair.

I started at my toes and gave them a little wiggle.

I concentrated on that sensation. What was I feeling?

A slight throbbing in my heels where they rested against the tub’s edge.

My mind moved upwards.

The water’s edge hit me at mid-calf and the foamy bubbles clung to my skin another three inches (or so). 

A prickling on my knees where the soapy water was drying out gave way to more foaminess as I started down the other side.

I get distracted by an itchiness attacking my hairline. 

Tiny bubbles are crackling around my head. I listen.

My face peeks out above the water and bubbles wrap around my head.

Knees bent, I place my feet flat on the tub’s bottom, my hands under my bottom.

Now I am steady, and I can hear with my ears just below the water.

My fingers thrum from the steady pressure of my weight.

I hear it.

A pulse pounds in my ears. I feel it in my chest. I see it where my tummy protrudes from the water.

I am annoyed at this tiny apartment bathtub seemingly meant for children. 

I listen.

My breath interrupts the pulsing calm. It sounds alien together. How strange, because breathing and blood circulation happens together all the time. 

I hold my breath.

The sound merges into a more foreign one as my breath involuntarily spills out in tiny puffs.

I listen.

I feel.

I feel my chest rise, and my lungs expand. 

I feel the blood rushing in my ears.

It rivals an ocean’s roar.

I’ve had enough.

I flip over to my belly.

I blow holes in the sheet of bubbles and a chunk flies into the wall beside me.

It fills me with a strange unexpected happiness.

My breasts are effortlessly suspended in the water. 

My hair floats just under the water’s surface. I see one or two floating away from me. 

I’ll get them later.

I feel the weight of my hair. Three times heavier with the filmy, soapy bubbles.

I hope there’s enough warmth left in the water heater to rinse it well enough.

I turn on my back again and flick my ears to hear the twang.

I scratch a spot on my scalp. It feels good.

I, very rapidly, scratch around my scalp.

I like the sound it makes underwater. 

I hear the downstairs neighbour puttering around, running water and opening doors. 

Doors to what, I can’t be sure.

It’s time to get out. I’m wrinkled.

I pull the plug and scratch the soles of my feet vigorously.

Epsom salts always make me so itchy. And thirsty, I’m so thirsty!

The water drains from around me.

I stand up and pull the shower curtain closed. 

It’s so loud. Is it always this loud?

I run the faucet again, I pull the knob to switch it to shower mode.

The water is not very warm, but I start to rinse my hair anyway.

I decide to brave some conditioner. Bubble bath, peppermint essence, and salts are very drying for the hair.

It’s so chilly. I am chilled.

A warm robe awaits.

I am dry.

I am wrinkly.

I am squeaky.

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I recently took a religion class entitled “Religion & Ecology”, focusing upon mainly the environmental crisis we currently face and what the different religions are thinking or doing around it. One of the very first things this professor asked us was, “When was the last time you experienced wonder?”. Now she said this in such a breathy voice, that automatically my eyes wanted to roll, I did not want to take such an artsy fartsy tone to an academic course. It’s one of the reasons I don’t enjoy many of the Arts classes I’ve had to take, but this one sounded interesting. And truly it was, but I do wish that it had taken on more than what it did, there was such a large focus on Christianity, with a small amount is Islam, Buddhism, Aboriginal traditions & a smidgeon of Hindu. I was a little upset that there wasn’t a single mention of Paganism/Wicca when the environment plays such a large role in their beliefs & traditions. I actually chose to write my final paper concentrating on role of the environment in modern day ‘magical religions’ and how the environmental crisis may affect their practices. I was not prepared for the broad scope it turned out to be and it made me feel a little more for them as their difficulties will only grow as the world continues to promote ‘growth’ in the way we do. And so throughout the course, I continued to think about how jaded I’ve become & how commonplace my surroundings have dwindled down to. So many things are taken for granted every day, by all of us but I am trying to turn myself around. Be aware, for more than just safety’s sake, of what is happening around me. So here are a few of the things I’ve stopped to experience, and to appreciate the ‘wonder’ in each of them.

Spring time has always been a favourite time of year for me, the moisture washes away the dirtiness of the past winter, things begin to smell good & the warmth begins to come back. Though, admittedly this year the warmth is still on vacation it seems. But what I’ve found fairly recently, is that a stand of trees that appears barren from afar will begin to show you its buds of life the closer you get to it. It was such a neat realization that I found myself continuing on just looking for the moment in which I could see the green peeking out and challenging myself to try and see it before I got too close.

Budding tree

Everyone knows I love my dog, well I love all my pets but there is something special about my Zacky. The way he looks at me sometimes makes me feel like he can actually understand the love I feel for him, something so humanizing when he waggles his eyebrows at me and stares at me with his big brown eyes. The way that he snuggles into me at night, puts his head on my lap/shoulder/butt and sleeps so deeply that I know in some way that he feels complete trust in me to take care of him & make sure he’s never hurting, however dogs feel that sort of thing. I am not a believer in animals experiencing human emotions, but I am a believer that they do experience emotion of some sort & I wish that I could understand it on their level, not my own. But every time I look at him, hang out with him and give him love I can see with awe just how special a relationship with a pet really is, he’s my best friend. I spend more time with him than I do with my husband, snuggle with him more too ;-p

Mom & Zacky

Mom & Zacky2

I mentioned this on Facebook the other day, but I’ll mention it again. Living in Halifax, we see our fair share of military people but what always gives me a bit of heartache is watching the Navy ships pull out with the crew standing at attention on deck. I don’t know if they are headed out for awhile or just doing exercises at the harbour mouth, I don’t know nearly enough about Navy activities to know their normal practices but either way, I always think about families that get left behind with only hope in their hearts that their loved ones will return unharmed. I cannogt even begin to fathom that type of fear or returning to normalcy after a return.

Photo Credit: www.cbc.ca

Photo Credit: http://www.cbc.ca

I don’t make friends easily, the ones I do have have been around for a very long time. I’m a drifter, I drift away and don’t give a whole lot of myself to very many people but yet despite that i have certain people who will always be there for me whether I give a lot of myself or not. When I need them, they will be there. And with that, the strength in a relationship like this makes me wonder. It makes me wonder how I’ve gotten so lucky and thankful that I have. I keep telling myself not to take these relationships for granted but yet somehow I fall into those patterns until some alarm goes off in my head and says, “hey you, wake up & call a gal, will ya!” That relationship can be so strong as to allow one to have a relationship with someone as precious as her child, that is pure wonder.

Me & Ames - Now Me & Ames - Old

I have to admit, whenever I thought of awe & wonder previously I often thought of it negatively. I am quite fond of saying things along the lines of, ” Makes me wonder how someone could get through life this far being so stupid”. I’m not saying I don’t still think that way often, there are just some people that make me shake my head, but I’m trying to also put the good stuff in there. Trying not to dwell on the negatives all the time, opening the eyes to the wonder in the world.

Mission accomplished Dr.Hale, mission accomplished.

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I’m having a seriously annoyed day today, it’s been a long stress-filled day & now I’m unwinding with a few glasses of Chianti, which for my first time is pretty darn good. In honour of this shitty day, I’m going to give you a few things that bug the crap out of me. Here goes.

Inability to follow simple directions: For example, at the exits on the public buses there are very easy instructions stating how to get out: Step down when light turns green, wave your hand in front of this spot to open doors, push bar and so on & so forth. Very easy, but yet people will stand there and stare at the doors to magically open, screech at the bus driver to open the door while they have their head phones in & can’t hear jack-shit anyway or get huffy & storm to the front of the bus glaring at the driver. Give it up, folks & get a clue. I understand there there are legitimate illiterate people out there, but I would wager that of these fuckers are just plain oblivious to what’s going around them.

Can’t take your headphones out: My hubby does this, it drives me INSANE! It’s so rude, in my opinion. For the love of dog, can you not give the person you’re talking to your undivided attention for just a few minutes, I guarantee it’s not the only chance you have to hear that song, plus these fancy devices these days have this button called pause, utilize it.

Turn down your music or at least wear headphones in the first place: This happens more often than I could have thought on the bus. The rules are that if you listen to music that you must have headphones, but that’s not what always happens. Instead I have to listen to something blaring through the speaker of a cell phone or even worse, they have headphones but are deafening themselves & I have to listen to every damn word of your shitty choice in music. Bah!

People that don’t pick up their doggy doo: If I can suck it up & pick up my dog’s smelly ass droppings with my greyhound nose & miniscule gag reflex, so can anyone else. Plus, if you decide to have a dog, you have to take on all responsibilities of owning a dog, including doggy doo stinkies paddies.

Bad, lazy or ‘hip’ writing style: I do not claim to be the best writer out there, not even close but I can’t stand ridiculous mistakes. Things like; screwing up to, two, too; there, their, they’re; the does not equal ‘da’, this does not equal ‘dis’; with the exception of ‘its’ (in some cases) an apostrophe signifies either the lack of letters or ownership. There are typos or honest mistakes & then there’s blatant ignorance which makes me want to go all grammar queen on them, even though I also am not perfect.

Terrible manners: This is a very broad topic for me; chewing with your mouth open (like Eric), not responding to the the social norms of courtesy (like someone asking “how are you” and you respond with nothing or a request of your own), please, thank you, your welcome, smiles etc.. It doesn’t seem like too difficult a task and yet…..

Belligerent & adamant attitudes about things you are uninformed about: I used to be guilty of this, I would take a general attitude about something based on current thoughts or ideas about something in particular, often times playing devil’s advocate for something I knew very little about. Then, I started educating myself about issues that I cared about & realized I couldn’t keep going on this way and so now I refuse to have am opinion on something I know nothing about, but not everyone has reached this same stage, and it now drives me insane. I’m all for someone taking a stance on global warming but it’s a complex subject that requires information on several topics and you have to have a general semblance of these facets. Or actively supporting a charity, know what it’s about and don’t just choose one that is the hip thing to do at the time. I support the Red Cross Society because of their support and action in the face of emergency, including for the common person. I like that, I learned about it & feel confident about providing continuous support for this cause.

That’s all I’m going to talk about today though, because (quite honestly) if I continue harping on the things that irritate me I will get even more annoyed than I have been all day. And I will fully admit that there are a lot of things that irritate me.

I feel I have to apologize for taking such a long break from this blog. I’ve been working on another blog trying to sort through my personal issues. I will not give the link because it’s public but yet fairly private because only one person has the official link & no one is looking for it. ;-p

I was planning on bringing back the “Blast from the Past” on this entry however, I couldn’t think of one that meshed well with this topic so I’m going to skip it, but I want to return to regular blogging on this site so I WILL bring it back.

Tata, readers

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A New Venture

The time has come to take my fat ass to a new level. I hate the gym, actually that’s not really true. I like the gym for all of a week, then I am bored to tears because I only enjoy doing a few things there. The elliptical, the rowing machine & whichever weight machine stretches out my always aching back. So I started looking for something fun that would keep my interest & I may have found it. Not positive since I only did one trial session today. That thing is called 30 Minute Hit, it’s a kickboxing circuit train for women and today it totally kicked my ass. I almost puked or fainted (Or both) when I’d completed it, actually I gave in at the last few seconds because I honestly didn’t think I could get in another worth it hit on Bob the target dummy. I’ll do a brief run-through as I did it today, but you can start at any station except Bob I think, because he’s the beat his ass to pieces end of the circuit.

  1. Skipping – Get that heart pumping
  2. The Jab – The basic hit really, coincidentally the one I actually enjoy the most
  3. The Front Kick – I mucked up and only did one leg because I got confused
  4. Bah, Crunch time – My most hated aspect of fitness, EVER
  5. The Hook – I have to concentrate on this one, Breathe & always stay on guard because I’m always preparing too fast for the next hit
  6. The Side-Kick – For the balance-challenged like myself it was a little difficult to get the stance proper so you don’t knock yourself over
  7. Bah, more Abs nightmare – This was modified for me though so I used two 5lb free weights and engaged my core in controlled twist (for lack of a better word)
  8. The Uppercut – I’m only 5’4” and had to get down pretty low to be able to hit the sweet spot well which proved a bit difficult for me, this station needs practice.
  9. KNEES!! – I got a little carried away here and if this station had been a person he would have no balls left
  10. The Dreaded Ab Station Again – This time I used a balance ball (funny since I have no balance) with those same free weights from awhile ago and what amounted to me humping the air because I just couldn’t master this one in 2 minutes. I don’t know how the trainer kept a straight face at me sometimes, though I’m sure they’ve seen it before
  11. Turtle Kicks – I wasn’t sure if my tailbone would hold up to this station or not but it proved to be okay, you lay on your back and kick the crap out of your attacker’s shins
  12. The (Sit & Punch??) – You straddle a flat on the ground punching bag. grip it with your legs and wail down blows on the ‘face’ of the grounded person. This will be difficult for anyone lacking model length legs because you’re not actually touching the ground and the bag is wider than one would think when looking at it.
  13. BOB – A target dummy that you let it all out on at the end, where I was completely done in. Basically you take everything you’ve been doing in the circuit and just go all out and have at ‘er (well, ‘im).

And that was that. It didn’t look pretty, but I (mostly) completed it and decided to do a one month (personal trial) period to really try it and learn proper form. I will be completely honest when I say it literally kicked my ass today. I hope that one day I will be the one to kick its ass but we’ll see. You also really only get the work-out that you put out the effort for. I could have taken everything really easy today, and just learned the essentials but I don’t do that, I put everything I have into it until I’ve got nothing left to put in. I noticed today that I was burning myself out during some stations and it caught up to me at the end. I was too embarrassed to go in and still be a lazy fuck, I had to prove I could do it, not to myself, I haven’t reached that point yet, lol, but it was all in the pride/ego.

Also I just noticed that I have 13 stations & that doesn’t add up to 30 minutes so I might be forgetting something or I wasn’t shown everything, I’m not entirely certain. Next time, I guess

So wish me luck kicking some ass 🙂

 

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I originally wanted to do a photo blog but the dog was in need of a walk so I decided to grab the hubby and take Zacky swimming. Problem is…. School’s out so the beach area around home is packed with screeching anklebiters & my dog gets ridiculously excited in crowds. Also he does not get along well with other dogs & the likelihood of running into other dogs is more probable at the beach area than other parts of the lake. i thought about sending the hubby home with the dog alone after he was sufficiently tuckered out but I opted for the I am still cool look today in my sunglasses (therefore I cannot see a bloody thing) and an old bra, with no support, because I can actually wear it with my t-shirts, unlike the one which actually supports me, & my first pair of homemade jean shorts since I was a teen.

Me…. Being the coolest I can possibly be 🙂

Shortly after lathering ourselves up with sunscreen we took off down the street, moseying along at a good sniffing pace. Tongue flopping out with a goofy grin on his face <<< That was just the hubby. Surprisingly we didn’t see a single dog until we left the swimming hole, and in reality we didn’t even see that dog he just started yelling at Boogs from the balcony.

Sidenote:

I have only one dog. He has several names we call him on a regular basis. So to save confusion I could call him Zack (his official, on his license name), Zacky, Booger, Boogs, Goobs, Goober, Schmoodle, Stinks, Stinker, Schmoodle Schmooderson, Goobie, Boogie, Zacharias, & sometimes Sweet Pea. I’m sure there could be more but for the purposes of this blog I’ll refrain from using others…. Well today

So we’re walking along on the path, on our way to Zacky’s swimming hole when he decides that he’s just going to run in and out of all the super tall grass and send insects whizzing at my face. WTF Boogs WTF. I might have wanted to stop & snap a photo but he wasn’t having any of that. He knows exactly where he’s going and he’s got no time to stop while Mom takes a picture of a bug that he’d rather just scarf down, burping out bug breath. Ooops scratch that, one stop he had time for but I won’t go into that one…

We’ve Arrived!! Welcome to Zacky’s Swimming Hole. In the background there’s an island I want to visit once we finally get around to getting that raft. Today there is a ridiculous amount of seagulls on that grouping of rocks further away. Those bastards are loud and annoying, not to mention Halifax seagulls (okay birds in general) are massive gluttonous creatures that could probably take on my 80lb dog and come out victorious.

Gooby’s testing out the waters. I think he’s decided that, the water’s good times and it’s now time to head out and rock the wet dog smell.

While I stayed dry on land snapping pics Eric took the dog in. You might be asking why on Earth the dog is still on his leash? Well my dog likes to run & since I rather like him, he’s my best friend, I like for him not to drown or run off into the close by busy intersection. It may not look like it from these pics but there is an industrial area not far off on the right side of these pictures. 80lb dog versus several tonne transport is not a vision I intend to see, so he stays on his leash. Although we definitely have to get him a longer one than his regular walking leash. So off they went, daddy & dog, to play in the water with whatever could be found to be slightly entertaining.

Apparently I was far too close to where the mic is on my phone so I’m overly shrieky in addition to being normally nasally & have some strange cackle towards the middle. Yeeeeah… Sorry ’bout that.

During this whole swim fun, which I didn’t participate in. Damn me and my oversight, should have brought some sandals or ratty old shoes so I could go swim too. Next time. So yeah during this fun time I was running around on land listening carefully for other dogs incoming or shrieking children or even pot heads looking for a quiet place to smoke. Found some beautiful dragonflies, shimmering a gorgeous royal blue. Think I could get off a shot, noooo, darn things wouldn’t stay still long enough, Pooo. Ran into some ants which I still have to look up. Fairly certain they were carpenter ants, Half red & half black & fairly large but going to give it a whirl later on either http://www.whatsthatbug.com or http://www.bugguide.net

Back to swimming Zack…

I wish I’d been able to get him while he does his funny swim. Sometimes he’ll bite at the water and it looks so funny. Almost like he’s saying to himself, “Gotta get this water out of my way, get out of here water!”

Buuuuuuut Daddy, I wanna go see Mom now!! She’s got sticks up there & I want ’em.

A man and his dog. He was sitting nicely in his arms just before this but apparently I am just too slow on the snap. He’s decided he’s going exploring over there and that’s that!.

Come on Dad, hurry up. There’s some ‘splorin’ to do.

Zack the Sea Monsteeeer!!

Sadly this is highly typical of how we talk to each other as the dog, and then answer. Are we dorks?

I would say, um yeah did you not see that video??

As we were walking home I noticed that Goobs was sparkling like the Twilight vamps in the sun. I tried to get a picture of it but it didn’t transfer well. But let it be known that if my dog was a vampire he’s be much cooler than the Cullens…. By far! In fact he’s already one up, he has fangs, lol.

So I haven’t included a blast from the past in the past few blogs so getting back to tradition. Here is Zacky’s winter time fun. What we like to call snowplowin’ Really he’s just trying to take his Husher off, but sSsssshh don’t ruin my fun!

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Last night I woke up really upset, not to mention creeped out completely. I had not only given birth…… to a freaking foal of all things but my husband handed me divorce papers because I had pimples on my chin. Sadly this can’t even be considered my strangest dream because I apparently have an incredibly vivid imagination while I am asleep. Here’s a recount of some of the stranger dreams I’ve had..

Last night:

For whatever reason Eric & I had an urban farm area smack dab in the middle of the city. And on this farm (totally just got Old MacDonald stuck in my head ;-p) we had horses, but also some kind of scientists. The scientists implanted me with horse junk while I was riding a massive black stallion in a horse parade through the Dartmouth ghetto. Next thing I knew I was in my apartment bathroom and a huge splat of nastiness fell out of me, on the floor & partly landed on the dog. Sorry Boogs…. I went to tell my husband incredulously that I had just given birth to a foal & he decides he’s going to call his father to tell him without even bothering to say anything to me at all. So, in total Van fashion, I kept interrupting him to tell him again and again and why wasn’t he helping me. He then gives a huff and tells his father that he’s gotta go. He gets up silently and hands me 2 sets of divorce papers and an extra copy of one of the single pages. At this point I have no clue where the horse is, in fact I don’t see him again for the rest of the dream. I ask Eric why he’s divorcing me, and then scream it at him when he doesn’t answer me. Finally he sighs and says, “You’ve got acne on your chin & she says that you can get treatment for that but you don’t.” In the best snotty voice ever I sneered, “SHE, who the fuck is SHE?” It doesn’t matter he replies, this is about you. And then I woke up only to find my husband missing. Okay he was only in the bathroom but in my sleep boggled mind he was gone… And I don’t even have pimples on my chin as an excuse….

When I was a child I absolutely loved the Child’s Play movies. Should I have even seen at that age, yeah, probably not. But that’s besides the point. They didn’t actually scare me per se but they did prompt strange recurring nightmares that DID scare me so I assume there were some aspects that did scare me subliminally. In this dream I was always being chased by a tiny little basketball player wearing a red jersey. he was a vicious little bastard too. In one of my dreams I was living in Waterloo on Peppler Street and he wanted to kill me so bad he took a bulldozer to our house. Ripping off chunk by slow agonizing chunk of our front porch while taunting me to just come out and make it easier on everyone else. He chased me on his itty bitty legs up the street to a local playground where I completely outdumbassed the bimbos from horror movies by getting on the swing to try and kick him away while I was going to jump away after and run. WTF, really!! These dreams eventually stopped somewhere around my mid-teens years & I don’t think he’d ever actually gotten me but I can’t be certain anymore.

When you start having dreams about work I think it’s become apparent that you spend entirely too much time there. Shortly after I became and assistant manager for Shit Stop in KW I had a dream that the new store I had been moved to was attacked by ninja assassins. These guys literally came out of the ceiling tiles, completely dressed in black with those silver throwing stars. Which they then proceeded to throw at me in ninja fashion. I don’t even watch ninja movies where the fuck did this come from?? After they threw a zillion star thingys they just left, they were either really good or really bad because they didn’t hit me once…

Another time I was working in C’ton at the gas station I had a dream that I was in the back cooler having dirty sex with Eric. Why dirty you ask? No not anything especially fun in THAT department, but if you’ve ever been in a walk in drinks cooler, you’ll know that they are a sticky dirty mess and I was in there getting plowed by my boyfriend. Oh did I forget to mention that I also had two turkeys on each of my hands…. Yeah, oh and the store was open for business too so when people came back to by Pepsi I pushed it at them with my turkey fisting hands while Eric pumped away behind me.

What I hate the most is when I have dreams that repeat themselves all night long. I’ve recently had one where I was sitting in Hell’s Kitchen on a stool just reaching out to some unknown desire. Over and over again I dreamed this same thing that night. I’ve also repeat dreamed sitting on a beach for a sunset while a lone sailboat drifted by in front of the setting sun, sounds beautiful right? Not so much on the hundredth float by.

I have game dreamed several times as well. When I first started playing WoW I kept dreaming quests after I went to sleep. I’ve dreamed Angry Birds levels. Played slumber Bejeweled and killed Diablo several times while I tossed and turned.

I have never had a falling dream that I can remember. I have, however, had a dream where I was standing on my friend Leah’s balcony (15th floor) and walked the railing looking while thinking about jumping. I have flown many times, sometimes with wings, sometimes not. Once I even flew in a fantasy land (probably after reading a book) on a sea monster. Bet you expected dragon there right?

I have had dreams in which I’ve left my husband for another woman. Others in which he’s left me. Sex dreams with who knows & one with an animal. That was disturbing!!!

I have also dreamed up ideas. I came up with the decorating scheme for our wedding head table in a dream. A story idea which never came to fruition, something about mermaids…. And an idea for a painting I want to try sometime in the near future. Since I don’t paint and can’t draw to save my life (my stick people look fat…) this should be interesting.

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Where do I go from here

Lately I have been feeling well not so great about a lot of things. I’m angry, agitated and irritated so much of the time. I’ve decided to try keeping a real journal for the first time since I was a young teenager. There’s a lot of pent up stuff in this body & I’ve never been very comfortable talking about it. I’ll admit it I shut people out…often & so when I called a friend the other night when I felt completely broken down I realize something had to change. It was completely unfair of me to do that to someone who has enough on her plate. I shouldn’t have done that & I’m really sorry.

I’m not sure what is wrong or how to begin fixing it but what I am sure of is that I (me, no one else) have to start trying. I’m tired of the anger & the sadness & the tears & the bruises. It’s not healthy & I get frustrated about feeling like this when there is so much else wrong in this world (real problems) and then it just begins again.

I wrote this and posted it publicly so that I can try and hold myself to it & not just tuck it away like I usually do.

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