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Archive for August, 2012

If you’ve ever had the feeling of complete emptiness & weren’t sure how to fix it, I’m there & I’m sorry you’ve ever felt this way. It feels so wrong to be so down when, in reality, I have it nowhere near as bad as others. But I can’t seem to shake it regardless. For every day I work I see 2 homeless men, one is quite obvious, he smells like a portapotty and could seriously use some meds & new clothes. He believes I am Russian & his mother gave birth to Patsy Cline in the Soviet Union in the 1930’s, also I was also apparently married to some man he hated in the 60’s. He believes that one of my co-workers murdered someone in the 60’s and frequently succumbs to cursing fits in our coffee section corner. I do not allow myself to fall into the same manner of thinking as some of my co-workers that he somehow brought this life on himself & I often buy his coffee for two reasons: 1. I’m sorry but I do not want to touch his money, and while many people may find that incredibly rude (and it probably is) I have a bit of a germy issue and already wash my hands a ridiculous amount of times, I do not think I could handle that. and 2. If I can’t spend two bucks to give somebody a hot drink who could truly use it I seriously need to re-evaluate my priorities. And on to the second man, he is much less obvious about his current living arrangements and to my eyes appears quite sane, and fairly clean, though well worn.

(After that spiel, I forgot why I went on and on & had to go back to the beginning of my post to find out)

The whole point is that despite knowing and seeing this with my own eyes it still pains me to smile and I can feel the emptiness inside my chest, like it should ache but it doesn’t, it’s just nothing. Then I feel guilty about feeling this way and I am pushed further into despair. What right do I have in my apartment with my husband and pets, technology and a full fridge to feel this way? But it won’t go away despite what I know, despite the guilt weighing me down.

Here is where my life stands today:

I head back to classes next week, I lack the funds to pay for my books or the rest of my school supplies.I fear that the way I feel is going to take a toll on my grades, last year it did & I was not as deeply affected as I currently am. I fear that my brain will not keep up with what it needs to and I will fail, I do not deal well with failure.

My dog is having health issues and I lack the funds to bring him to the vet so I’ve been treating him myself with some polysporin, peroxide and goldbond. I feel like a failure once again & I’ve already said that I do not deal well with failure.

There was a time when I had a full time job that I didn’t love but I worked with and I was damn good at it. I had money in the bank and plans, adult plans. Things changed, the company I was working for changed hands and my goals changed, drastically. I wonder all too often if I have made the right decisions, especially when I am going through these trying times.

I spend entirely too much time in tears. Tears of frustration, of anger and since I am being honest, self loathing a good part of the time. I truly do not like myself, and it’s not merely an appearance thing. Yes I hate the way I look, and I feel as though there is nothing I can do about it. I’m fat and yet losing weight does not come easily & I find myself green with envy over my friends’ accomplishments and lacking any real motivation to begin my own.

I can’t find any happiness in the upcoming births of my newest nieces and nephews, and although I try to fake it I can sense that there is something off and not quite right with it that I am sure is being noticed. Am I jealous? Yes I am, of course I am. How can it be so easy for others to bring life into this world when my body struggles to even have a proper cycle. A little while ago somebody made a comment to my friend Amy about their family being perfect now that they had a boy, a girl and the two parents. Having a single (gorgeous) child that they are perfectly happy with and no plans to have any more, this irked her. All I could think at this time was how pathetic & pitiful my life would seem to the person with the perfect family.

On top of everything else, my husband & I are having some issues. I do not want to go into them here because it would be unfair to him to do so. In one clear moment today I suggested that we see a couples therapist but the look on his face at that revelation shut that down immediately. He was more than a little uncomfortable with that idea & I get it, I only every once in awhile feel brave enough to admit my problems to somebody else. There is a reason I did not post this to Facebook, but still made it public; a ploy to try and make myself accountable. Having to resort to a therapist, a shrink, a psychologist is something that I can understand…. for other people. For myself it is a weakness, and in addition to not taking failure well I certainly do not deal with weakness well. But I am losing patience more often than not these days, I snap at my husband often and have contemplated leaving him for his own good. Ultimately I am too selfish to do so, but he would be better off with someone more deserving, someone nicer, sexier and someone who has all their shit together. He is not going to be pleased with this, but again I have to reiterate that I am trying to make myself more accountable and I don’t think he understands just how low I get. He is oblivious to what is right in front of him and doesn’t see that there are problems that need to be addressed.

And that is an update on the state of my being. I am a poor excuse of a human being right now, and I do things that I probably shouldn’t when I am down here. Again not something I want to put out into cyberspace, but that’s the way it seems to go for me. Before I even realize what I’ve done, I’m on my second round….

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I recently got rid of all the apps on my phone because I was beyond bored with them. I kept Angry Birds however, because, Damn It, I am determined to finish the thing. When?? I have no idea since I can’t remember the last time I actually played it, but I WILL finish it. Anywhooo, on to my story. So after I deleted things I realized that I needed something to fidget with on my phone so I downloaded a Bingo app.

Sidenote: I realize that this is going to make me look like an old biddy, what with the playing Bingo & harping on kids……. but some things need to be said. Now listen up, Granny’s talkin’!!

Alrighty, so I downloaded a Bingo app called Lucky Bingo, it seemed like one of the few free ones that actually resembled Bingo. I tried a few others that were plain ridiculous. Unfortunately this game seems to be masquerading as a KIK messenger app living advertisement. There is a chat when you play and so many people don’t even actually play, they just log in to chat and try to get others to add them on this KIK thingy. Now since a good portion of them aren’t even playing you’d think it would be nice & easy to win right?? Not even close, I get so frustrated but at the same time it’s slightly addicting. Back to the chat thingy, do you remember chat rooms back in the day when pervy people would write ASL & no doubt someone would answer & then they’d try to pull you into chatting one on one if they liked what they heard. That is essentially what this is coming across as. IN fact I actually saw someone type ASL the other day & nearly rolled off the bed laughing. The problem I’m finding is that some of these kids are saying that they’re anywhere between 13 & 18 generally, and since so few people tell the truth on the internet (except me, I’m totally honest all the time ;-p) I have a hard time to believe them as they invite others to chat with them on KIK. It has the adult in me cringing with the knowledge that most of them are not as they appear. Which leads me to my next thought, why on Earth would a 13 year old download a Bingo app in the first place & how on Earth did a friggin’ Bingo app become home to picking people up??!?? This seriously boggles my mind.

My next bits may offend some of you out there, my apologies, well sorta. If you become offended perhaps you should take a good look around you and truly listen to what I’m saying. But know this, I am not a parent nor will I ever be a parent to anything other than furry four legged dudes so like Jon Snow I know nothing & you can either cast aside my opinions or tell me to Fuck Off, most likely I won’t give a damn but go on & give it your best shot if that’s what you feel you need to do.

I know some very good mothers & I know some pretty rotten ones as well. Children need stimulation, I know this because I was once a child myself. The best mothers take time out of their day to interact with their child & give them stimulation, they realize that the tv is not the only option for ‘something to do’. They give their child information that is not only meant to keep them quiet. My friend Amy is perhaps one of the best that I’ve seen when it comes to explaining things to her child. I see many others take the baby voice and give minimal explanation as to how something works or why you must abide by certain things, but she generally takes the time to explain, in what I have coined the patient Mommy voice, to her now 4 year old (man time flies) the workings of the world. World, okay ,maybe a bit extreme but in a way yes, because I have no doubts that this child will grow up well. I was on the ferry the other day when I heard another mother explaining to her two children the methodology behind parking a massive Navy boat. It was amazing to listen to her talk, engrossed in teaching her children. Too few parents do this, instead we have children running around with technology that they don’t need at the ages they’re getting it at. Please don’t misinterpret that as I don’t think children should be using technology, because in this day and age that would not be a reality.  But a ten year old spending all their time on their cell phones, texting their friends & playing games is a little ridiculous in my opinion.

I have another friend, who I will not name because 1. I’ve never cleared talking about her before, which I’m pretty sure I’ve done with Amy & 2. She’s not a huge part of my life anymore, which seems to be the case with a lot of my friends, but that’s a story for another day. She does a great job at balancing with her children, they might play games inside but they are also well socialized & play outdoors often, including organized sports. I think trying organized sports is important actually, not only because nothing tried is nothing gained but because it teaches discipline & teamwork & also when they go to school they kind of have no choice about playing sports in gym anyway so why not give them a head start, like you do when you teach them their numbers & alphabet before they go.

I’m probably the most paranoid person out there when it comes to young children, they start to fall I gasp so loud they can hear me in China. But I also know that in order to learn they also have to fail (& fall). This doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. Kids are given the answers to things without trying for themselves. Grade one, here’s a calculator & a laptop & oh yeah if you’re wrong well we won’t use red pen or tell you you’re wrong, we’ll just explain a better way. It’s no wonder that teacher’s are having a tough time finding work, they don’t get the chance to teach anymore. Maybe it’s just Nova Scotia but with the issues teachers everywhere seem to be having I highly doubt it. I have a friend who just recently became a teacher & found work in China due to the lack of jobs here, I’m going to have to ask her about her experiences to give myself a little more information I think.

So my problem is…. and I see it everywhere I go now. Youth have this sense of entitlement & it’s undeserved. Many of them have this attitude about them that says I’m top of the food chain honey & you had better deal with it. Hey parents, this is on you. Teach your kids some humility, it’ll save them a little heartbreak some time in the future. So many of them come in to the workforce expecting a pay check for nothing, because they’ve just been given everything. Trust me when I say I’ll take them down a peg, in my world you have to earn what you get, not just be there to accept it. Think I’m being cruel, take a walk into a place that employs mostly teenagers & you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about.

The kids I see coming into their first year of university are about half and half, and if I was the parent of the work I see coming from these guys, they’d be getting themselves a job and paying for their own education so damn fast they’d get whiplash.

I say, Stop being lazy and allowing technology to raise your children for you. Otherwise your kids might be living with you until the day you die because they’ve never learned to be self-sufficient in anything other than keeping up with the latest iPhone release or the like. You chose to have kids now you need to finish the job too…. Or your kids could be the ones sexting random strangers because they’ve never learned or simply want attention.

Playing Bingo, Mom. Uh huh…

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