Feeds:
Posts
Comments

I washed the tub.

I ran the water and added the lavender and vanilla bubble bath, and a few drops of peppermint essence.

The hot water ran out less than a quarter filled.

So, I waited.

Studied for an upcoming test, and got a little blue.

Maybe the hot water has come back.

So I gave it another go.

More bubbles, more mint, and a smidgen of epsom salts.

I disrobed and dipped one foot gingerly into the hot water.

Good to go.

All the way in.

I scratch my legs and my ankles. It’s always the first thing I do in a bath. I’m not sure why.

My thoughts flickered one after another, never pausing to let me see things clearly.

I decided to try a solo guided meditation. Maybe this environment is more conducive than a hard-backed office chair.

I started at my toes and gave them a little wiggle.

I concentrated on that sensation. What was I feeling?

A slight throbbing in my heels where they rested against the tub’s edge.

My mind moved upwards.

The water’s edge hit me at mid-calf and the foamy bubbles clung to my skin another three inches (or so). 

A prickling on my knees where the soapy water was drying out gave way to more foaminess as I started down the other side.

I get distracted by an itchiness attacking my hairline. 

Tiny bubbles are crackling around my head. I listen.

My face peeks out above the water and bubbles wrap around my head.

Knees bent, I place my feet flat on the tub’s bottom, my hands under my bottom.

Now I am steady, and I can hear with my ears just below the water.

My fingers thrum from the steady pressure of my weight.

I hear it.

A pulse pounds in my ears. I feel it in my chest. I see it where my tummy protrudes from the water.

I am annoyed at this tiny apartment bathtub seemingly meant for children. 

I listen.

My breath interrupts the pulsing calm. It sounds alien together. How strange, because breathing and blood circulation happens together all the time. 

I hold my breath.

The sound merges into a more foreign one as my breath involuntarily spills out in tiny puffs.

I listen.

I feel.

I feel my chest rise, and my lungs expand. 

I feel the blood rushing in my ears.

It rivals an ocean’s roar.

I’ve had enough.

I flip over to my belly.

I blow holes in the sheet of bubbles and a chunk flies into the wall beside me.

It fills me with a strange unexpected happiness.

My breasts are effortlessly suspended in the water. 

My hair floats just under the water’s surface. I see one or two floating away from me. 

I’ll get them later.

I feel the weight of my hair. Three times heavier with the filmy, soapy bubbles.

I hope there’s enough warmth left in the water heater to rinse it well enough.

I turn on my back again and flick my ears to hear the twang.

I scratch a spot on my scalp. It feels good.

I, very rapidly, scratch around my scalp.

I like the sound it makes underwater. 

I hear the downstairs neighbour puttering around, running water and opening doors. 

Doors to what, I can’t be sure.

It’s time to get out. I’m wrinkled.

I pull the plug and scratch the soles of my feet vigorously.

Epsom salts always make me so itchy. And thirsty, I’m so thirsty!

The water drains from around me.

I stand up and pull the shower curtain closed. 

It’s so loud. Is it always this loud?

I run the faucet again, I pull the knob to switch it to shower mode.

The water is not very warm, but I start to rinse my hair anyway.

I decide to brave some conditioner. Bubble bath, peppermint essence, and salts are very drying for the hair.

It’s so chilly. I am chilled.

A warm robe awaits.

I am dry.

I am wrinkly.

I am squeaky.

I am a woman who is married to a man who can appreciate that women, by far, have the more appealing bodies. Because I needed some lightness & fun in my day, I decided to highlight some of my girl crushes because they are quite admirable. Keep in mind that they are in no particular order.

Grab Cut Insert Cut From_GettyFeed

The beautiful Cameron Diaz. I’ve enjoyed her in every role I’ve seen her in (that I can think of right now) but I think she’s funny, personable in interviews, plus I always feel that she’d be pretty down to Earth in real life.

Daenarys

Emilia Clarke but in reality it’s her character Daenarys that I love. The fierceness and unwillingness to let ‘being a woman’ stand in her way is what makes me ‘girl swoon’ ;-p

Emma

Miss Emma Stone, very much the same reasons as Cameron Diaz in all honesty

Eva

Smoldering Eva Green. I love everything about her, I wish she was in more but she’s very choosy about what she does. I respect that,but I do love to listen to her talk and her gaze is powerfully intense.

Kat

Kat Dennings…I continue to watch 2 Broke Girls for her, pretty much just her. She’s more than just a walking, talking pair of boobs her deadpan delivery is spot-on, I like that.

Kate

Kate Hudson. I think she’d make a great best friend for some reason. Also for unknown reasons I always think of her as her How to Lose a Guy character, a girl’s girl but also a girl who can throw down with the boys.

Kiyomi

Kyomi McCloskey – Lead singer of Hunter Valentine, also appeared in the last season of The Real L Word, where she was kind of a douchebitch, but yet I still couldn’t take my eyes off her when she was around. So douchey but still sweet at the right times, and gorgeous!

Mila

Mila Kunis. I love her big eyes, and the humour that seems to come so easily. I’ve read an interview with her about playing World of Warcraft when she was dating Macaulay Culkin and she was so personable.

Nathalie

Nathalie Dormer. I have a bit of an obsession with Anne Boleyn for some reason and she was my first introduction to her as more than a beheaded old queen. Now she’s playing Margaery Tyrell in Game of Thrones and I am always excited for an episode she appears in. I love the little upward curl of her lip she usually has going on, and give me an accent any day.

Pink-453x441

Pink!!! She is totally badass, fierce and unflinching.

Today I’m giving you a blast from the past. Angelina Jolie is amazingly beautiful, courageous and generous. Her lips are exquisite but she carries herself with an enormous amount of grace that is hard not to admire. So, my introduction to her was in Foxfire where she was young, and covering up her womanly attributes but exudes beauty regardless.

Angelina

I recently took a religion class entitled “Religion & Ecology”, focusing upon mainly the environmental crisis we currently face and what the different religions are thinking or doing around it. One of the very first things this professor asked us was, “When was the last time you experienced wonder?”. Now she said this in such a breathy voice, that automatically my eyes wanted to roll, I did not want to take such an artsy fartsy tone to an academic course. It’s one of the reasons I don’t enjoy many of the Arts classes I’ve had to take, but this one sounded interesting. And truly it was, but I do wish that it had taken on more than what it did, there was such a large focus on Christianity, with a small amount is Islam, Buddhism, Aboriginal traditions & a smidgeon of Hindu. I was a little upset that there wasn’t a single mention of Paganism/Wicca when the environment plays such a large role in their beliefs & traditions. I actually chose to write my final paper concentrating on role of the environment in modern day ‘magical religions’ and how the environmental crisis may affect their practices. I was not prepared for the broad scope it turned out to be and it made me feel a little more for them as their difficulties will only grow as the world continues to promote ‘growth’ in the way we do. And so throughout the course, I continued to think about how jaded I’ve become & how commonplace my surroundings have dwindled down to. So many things are taken for granted every day, by all of us but I am trying to turn myself around. Be aware, for more than just safety’s sake, of what is happening around me. So here are a few of the things I’ve stopped to experience, and to appreciate the ‘wonder’ in each of them.

Spring time has always been a favourite time of year for me, the moisture washes away the dirtiness of the past winter, things begin to smell good & the warmth begins to come back. Though, admittedly this year the warmth is still on vacation it seems. But what I’ve found fairly recently, is that a stand of trees that appears barren from afar will begin to show you its buds of life the closer you get to it. It was such a neat realization that I found myself continuing on just looking for the moment in which I could see the green peeking out and challenging myself to try and see it before I got too close.

Budding tree

Everyone knows I love my dog, well I love all my pets but there is something special about my Zacky. The way he looks at me sometimes makes me feel like he can actually understand the love I feel for him, something so humanizing when he waggles his eyebrows at me and stares at me with his big brown eyes. The way that he snuggles into me at night, puts his head on my lap/shoulder/butt and sleeps so deeply that I know in some way that he feels complete trust in me to take care of him & make sure he’s never hurting, however dogs feel that sort of thing. I am not a believer in animals experiencing human emotions, but I am a believer that they do experience emotion of some sort & I wish that I could understand it on their level, not my own. But every time I look at him, hang out with him and give him love I can see with awe just how special a relationship with a pet really is, he’s my best friend. I spend more time with him than I do with my husband, snuggle with him more too ;-p

Mom & Zacky

Mom & Zacky2

I mentioned this on Facebook the other day, but I’ll mention it again. Living in Halifax, we see our fair share of military people but what always gives me a bit of heartache is watching the Navy ships pull out with the crew standing at attention on deck. I don’t know if they are headed out for awhile or just doing exercises at the harbour mouth, I don’t know nearly enough about Navy activities to know their normal practices but either way, I always think about families that get left behind with only hope in their hearts that their loved ones will return unharmed. I cannogt even begin to fathom that type of fear or returning to normalcy after a return.

Photo Credit: www.cbc.ca

Photo Credit: http://www.cbc.ca

I don’t make friends easily, the ones I do have have been around for a very long time. I’m a drifter, I drift away and don’t give a whole lot of myself to very many people but yet despite that i have certain people who will always be there for me whether I give a lot of myself or not. When I need them, they will be there. And with that, the strength in a relationship like this makes me wonder. It makes me wonder how I’ve gotten so lucky and thankful that I have. I keep telling myself not to take these relationships for granted but yet somehow I fall into those patterns until some alarm goes off in my head and says, “hey you, wake up & call a gal, will ya!” That relationship can be so strong as to allow one to have a relationship with someone as precious as her child, that is pure wonder.

Me & Ames - Now Me & Ames - Old

I have to admit, whenever I thought of awe & wonder previously I often thought of it negatively. I am quite fond of saying things along the lines of, ” Makes me wonder how someone could get through life this far being so stupid”. I’m not saying I don’t still think that way often, there are just some people that make me shake my head, but I’m trying to also put the good stuff in there. Trying not to dwell on the negatives all the time, opening the eyes to the wonder in the world.

Mission accomplished Dr.Hale, mission accomplished.

I’m having a seriously annoyed day today, it’s been a long stress-filled day & now I’m unwinding with a few glasses of Chianti, which for my first time is pretty darn good. In honour of this shitty day, I’m going to give you a few things that bug the crap out of me. Here goes.

Inability to follow simple directions: For example, at the exits on the public buses there are very easy instructions stating how to get out: Step down when light turns green, wave your hand in front of this spot to open doors, push bar and so on & so forth. Very easy, but yet people will stand there and stare at the doors to magically open, screech at the bus driver to open the door while they have their head phones in & can’t hear jack-shit anyway or get huffy & storm to the front of the bus glaring at the driver. Give it up, folks & get a clue. I understand there there are legitimate illiterate people out there, but I would wager that of these fuckers are just plain oblivious to what’s going around them.

Can’t take your headphones out: My hubby does this, it drives me INSANE! It’s so rude, in my opinion. For the love of dog, can you not give the person you’re talking to your undivided attention for just a few minutes, I guarantee it’s not the only chance you have to hear that song, plus these fancy devices these days have this button called pause, utilize it.

Turn down your music or at least wear headphones in the first place: This happens more often than I could have thought on the bus. The rules are that if you listen to music that you must have headphones, but that’s not what always happens. Instead I have to listen to something blaring through the speaker of a cell phone or even worse, they have headphones but are deafening themselves & I have to listen to every damn word of your shitty choice in music. Bah!

People that don’t pick up their doggy doo: If I can suck it up & pick up my dog’s smelly ass droppings with my greyhound nose & miniscule gag reflex, so can anyone else. Plus, if you decide to have a dog, you have to take on all responsibilities of owning a dog, including doggy doo stinkies paddies.

Bad, lazy or ‘hip’ writing style: I do not claim to be the best writer out there, not even close but I can’t stand ridiculous mistakes. Things like; screwing up to, two, too; there, their, they’re; the does not equal ‘da’, this does not equal ‘dis’; with the exception of ‘its’ (in some cases) an apostrophe signifies either the lack of letters or ownership. There are typos or honest mistakes & then there’s blatant ignorance which makes me want to go all grammar queen on them, even though I also am not perfect.

Terrible manners: This is a very broad topic for me; chewing with your mouth open (like Eric), not responding to the the social norms of courtesy (like someone asking “how are you” and you respond with nothing or a request of your own), please, thank you, your welcome, smiles etc.. It doesn’t seem like too difficult a task and yet…..

Belligerent & adamant attitudes about things you are uninformed about: I used to be guilty of this, I would take a general attitude about something based on current thoughts or ideas about something in particular, often times playing devil’s advocate for something I knew very little about. Then, I started educating myself about issues that I cared about & realized I couldn’t keep going on this way and so now I refuse to have am opinion on something I know nothing about, but not everyone has reached this same stage, and it now drives me insane. I’m all for someone taking a stance on global warming but it’s a complex subject that requires information on several topics and you have to have a general semblance of these facets. Or actively supporting a charity, know what it’s about and don’t just choose one that is the hip thing to do at the time. I support the Red Cross Society because of their support and action in the face of emergency, including for the common person. I like that, I learned about it & feel confident about providing continuous support for this cause.

That’s all I’m going to talk about today though, because (quite honestly) if I continue harping on the things that irritate me I will get even more annoyed than I have been all day. And I will fully admit that there are a lot of things that irritate me.

I feel I have to apologize for taking such a long break from this blog. I’ve been working on another blog trying to sort through my personal issues. I will not give the link because it’s public but yet fairly private because only one person has the official link & no one is looking for it. ;-p

I was planning on bringing back the “Blast from the Past” on this entry however, I couldn’t think of one that meshed well with this topic so I’m going to skip it, but I want to return to regular blogging on this site so I WILL bring it back.

Tata, readers

A New Venture

The time has come to take my fat ass to a new level. I hate the gym, actually that’s not really true. I like the gym for all of a week, then I am bored to tears because I only enjoy doing a few things there. The elliptical, the rowing machine & whichever weight machine stretches out my always aching back. So I started looking for something fun that would keep my interest & I may have found it. Not positive since I only did one trial session today. That thing is called 30 Minute Hit, it’s a kickboxing circuit train for women and today it totally kicked my ass. I almost puked or fainted (Or both) when I’d completed it, actually I gave in at the last few seconds because I honestly didn’t think I could get in another worth it hit on Bob the target dummy. I’ll do a brief run-through as I did it today, but you can start at any station except Bob I think, because he’s the beat his ass to pieces end of the circuit.

  1. Skipping – Get that heart pumping
  2. The Jab – The basic hit really, coincidentally the one I actually enjoy the most
  3. The Front Kick – I mucked up and only did one leg because I got confused
  4. Bah, Crunch time – My most hated aspect of fitness, EVER
  5. The Hook – I have to concentrate on this one, Breathe & always stay on guard because I’m always preparing too fast for the next hit
  6. The Side-Kick – For the balance-challenged like myself it was a little difficult to get the stance proper so you don’t knock yourself over
  7. Bah, more Abs nightmare – This was modified for me though so I used two 5lb free weights and engaged my core in controlled twist (for lack of a better word)
  8. The Uppercut – I’m only 5’4” and had to get down pretty low to be able to hit the sweet spot well which proved a bit difficult for me, this station needs practice.
  9. KNEES!! – I got a little carried away here and if this station had been a person he would have no balls left
  10. The Dreaded Ab Station Again – This time I used a balance ball (funny since I have no balance) with those same free weights from awhile ago and what amounted to me humping the air because I just couldn’t master this one in 2 minutes. I don’t know how the trainer kept a straight face at me sometimes, though I’m sure they’ve seen it before
  11. Turtle Kicks – I wasn’t sure if my tailbone would hold up to this station or not but it proved to be okay, you lay on your back and kick the crap out of your attacker’s shins
  12. The (Sit & Punch??) – You straddle a flat on the ground punching bag. grip it with your legs and wail down blows on the ‘face’ of the grounded person. This will be difficult for anyone lacking model length legs because you’re not actually touching the ground and the bag is wider than one would think when looking at it.
  13. BOB – A target dummy that you let it all out on at the end, where I was completely done in. Basically you take everything you’ve been doing in the circuit and just go all out and have at ‘er (well, ‘im).

And that was that. It didn’t look pretty, but I (mostly) completed it and decided to do a one month (personal trial) period to really try it and learn proper form. I will be completely honest when I say it literally kicked my ass today. I hope that one day I will be the one to kick its ass but we’ll see. You also really only get the work-out that you put out the effort for. I could have taken everything really easy today, and just learned the essentials but I don’t do that, I put everything I have into it until I’ve got nothing left to put in. I noticed today that I was burning myself out during some stations and it caught up to me at the end. I was too embarrassed to go in and still be a lazy fuck, I had to prove I could do it, not to myself, I haven’t reached that point yet, lol, but it was all in the pride/ego.

Also I just noticed that I have 13 stations & that doesn’t add up to 30 minutes so I might be forgetting something or I wasn’t shown everything, I’m not entirely certain. Next time, I guess

So wish me luck kicking some ass :-)

 

That’s It!!

I am officially done eating.

Doesn’t matter what it is, I gobble it down

I can’t take much more of this

so

I’m done

If you’ve ever had the feeling of complete emptiness & weren’t sure how to fix it, I’m there & I’m sorry you’ve ever felt this way. It feels so wrong to be so down when, in reality, I have it nowhere near as bad as others. But I can’t seem to shake it regardless. For every day I work I see 2 homeless men, one is quite obvious, he smells like a portapotty and could seriously use some meds & new clothes. He believes I am Russian & his mother gave birth to Patsy Cline in the Soviet Union in the 1930’s, also I was also apparently married to some man he hated in the 60’s. He believes that one of my co-workers murdered someone in the 60’s and frequently succumbs to cursing fits in our coffee section corner. I do not allow myself to fall into the same manner of thinking as some of my co-workers that he somehow brought this life on himself & I often buy his coffee for two reasons: 1. I’m sorry but I do not want to touch his money, and while many people may find that incredibly rude (and it probably is) I have a bit of a germy issue and already wash my hands a ridiculous amount of times, I do not think I could handle that. and 2. If I can’t spend two bucks to give somebody a hot drink who could truly use it I seriously need to re-evaluate my priorities. And on to the second man, he is much less obvious about his current living arrangements and to my eyes appears quite sane, and fairly clean, though well worn.

(After that spiel, I forgot why I went on and on & had to go back to the beginning of my post to find out)

The whole point is that despite knowing and seeing this with my own eyes it still pains me to smile and I can feel the emptiness inside my chest, like it should ache but it doesn’t, it’s just nothing. Then I feel guilty about feeling this way and I am pushed further into despair. What right do I have in my apartment with my husband and pets, technology and a full fridge to feel this way? But it won’t go away despite what I know, despite the guilt weighing me down.

Here is where my life stands today:

I head back to classes next week, I lack the funds to pay for my books or the rest of my school supplies.I fear that the way I feel is going to take a toll on my grades, last year it did & I was not as deeply affected as I currently am. I fear that my brain will not keep up with what it needs to and I will fail, I do not deal well with failure.

My dog is having health issues and I lack the funds to bring him to the vet so I’ve been treating him myself with some polysporin, peroxide and goldbond. I feel like a failure once again & I’ve already said that I do not deal well with failure.

There was a time when I had a full time job that I didn’t love but I worked with and I was damn good at it. I had money in the bank and plans, adult plans. Things changed, the company I was working for changed hands and my goals changed, drastically. I wonder all too often if I have made the right decisions, especially when I am going through these trying times.

I spend entirely too much time in tears. Tears of frustration, of anger and since I am being honest, self loathing a good part of the time. I truly do not like myself, and it’s not merely an appearance thing. Yes I hate the way I look, and I feel as though there is nothing I can do about it. I’m fat and yet losing weight does not come easily & I find myself green with envy over my friends’ accomplishments and lacking any real motivation to begin my own.

I can’t find any happiness in the upcoming births of my newest nieces and nephews, and although I try to fake it I can sense that there is something off and not quite right with it that I am sure is being noticed. Am I jealous? Yes I am, of course I am. How can it be so easy for others to bring life into this world when my body struggles to even have a proper cycle. A little while ago somebody made a comment to my friend Amy about their family being perfect now that they had a boy, a girl and the two parents. Having a single (gorgeous) child that they are perfectly happy with and no plans to have any more, this irked her. All I could think at this time was how pathetic & pitiful my life would seem to the person with the perfect family.

On top of everything else, my husband & I are having some issues. I do not want to go into them here because it would be unfair to him to do so. In one clear moment today I suggested that we see a couples therapist but the look on his face at that revelation shut that down immediately. He was more than a little uncomfortable with that idea & I get it, I only every once in awhile feel brave enough to admit my problems to somebody else. There is a reason I did not post this to Facebook, but still made it public; a ploy to try and make myself accountable. Having to resort to a therapist, a shrink, a psychologist is something that I can understand…. for other people. For myself it is a weakness, and in addition to not taking failure well I certainly do not deal with weakness well. But I am losing patience more often than not these days, I snap at my husband often and have contemplated leaving him for his own good. Ultimately I am too selfish to do so, but he would be better off with someone more deserving, someone nicer, sexier and someone who has all their shit together. He is not going to be pleased with this, but again I have to reiterate that I am trying to make myself more accountable and I don’t think he understands just how low I get. He is oblivious to what is right in front of him and doesn’t see that there are problems that need to be addressed.

And that is an update on the state of my being. I am a poor excuse of a human being right now, and I do things that I probably shouldn’t when I am down here. Again not something I want to put out into cyberspace, but that’s the way it seems to go for me. Before I even realize what I’ve done, I’m on my second round….

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.