Posts Tagged ‘Rant’

If you’ve ever had the feeling of complete emptiness & weren’t sure how to fix it, I’m there & I’m sorry you’ve ever felt this way. It feels so wrong to be so down when, in reality, I have it nowhere near as bad as others. But I can’t seem to shake it regardless. For every day I work I see 2 homeless men, one is quite obvious, he smells like a portapotty and could seriously use some meds & new clothes. He believes I am Russian & his mother gave birth to Patsy Cline in the Soviet Union in the 1930’s, also I was also apparently married to some man he hated in the 60’s. He believes that one of my co-workers murdered someone in the 60’s and frequently succumbs to cursing fits in our coffee section corner. I do not allow myself to fall into the same manner of thinking as some of my co-workers that he somehow brought this life on himself & I often buy his coffee for two reasons: 1. I’m sorry but I do not want to touch his money, and while many people may find that incredibly rude (and it probably is) I have a bit of a germy issue and already wash my hands a ridiculous amount of times, I do not think I could handle that. and 2. If I can’t spend two bucks to give somebody a hot drink who could truly use it I seriously need to re-evaluate my priorities. And on to the second man, he is much less obvious about his current living arrangements and to my eyes appears quite sane, and fairly clean, though well worn.

(After that spiel, I forgot why I went on and on & had to go back to the beginning of my post to find out)

The whole point is that despite knowing and seeing this with my own eyes it still pains me to smile and I can feel the emptiness inside my chest, like it should ache but it doesn’t, it’s just nothing. Then I feel guilty about feeling this way and I am pushed further into despair. What right do I have in my apartment with my husband and pets, technology and a full fridge to feel this way? But it won’t go away despite what I know, despite the guilt weighing me down.

Here is where my life stands today:

I head back to classes next week, I lack the funds to pay for my books or the rest of my school supplies.I fear that the way I feel is going to take a toll on my grades, last year it did & I was not as deeply affected as I currently am. I fear that my brain will not keep up with what it needs to and I will fail, I do not deal well with failure.

My dog is having health issues and I lack the funds to bring him to the vet so I’ve been treating him myself with some polysporin, peroxide and goldbond. I feel like a failure once again & I’ve already said that I do not deal well with failure.

There was a time when I had a full time job that I didn’t love but I worked with and I was damn good at it. I had money in the bank and plans, adult plans. Things changed, the company I was working for changed hands and my goals changed, drastically. I wonder all too often if I have made the right decisions, especially when I am going through these trying times.

I spend entirely too much time in tears. Tears of frustration, of anger and since I am being honest, self loathing a good part of the time. I truly do not like myself, and it’s not merely an appearance thing. Yes I hate the way I look, and I feel as though there is nothing I can do about it. I’m fat and yet losing weight does not come easily & I find myself green with envy over my friends’ accomplishments and lacking any real motivation to begin my own.

I can’t find any happiness in the upcoming births of my newest nieces and nephews, and although I try to fake it I can sense that there is something off and not quite right with it that I am sure is being noticed. Am I jealous? Yes I am, of course I am. How can it be so easy for others to bring life into this world when my body struggles to even have a proper cycle. A little while ago somebody made a comment to my friend Amy about their family being perfect now that they had a boy, a girl and the two parents. Having a single (gorgeous) child that they are perfectly happy with and no plans to have any more, this irked her. All I could think at this time was how pathetic & pitiful my life would seem to the person with the perfect family.

On top of everything else, my husband & I are having some issues. I do not want to go into them here because it would be unfair to him to do so. In one clear moment today I suggested that we see a couples therapist but the look on his face at that revelation shut that down immediately. He was more than a little uncomfortable with that idea & I get it, I only every once in awhile feel brave enough to admit my problems to somebody else. There is a reason I did not post this to Facebook, but still made it public; a ploy to try and make myself accountable. Having to resort to a therapist, a shrink, a psychologist is something that I can understand…. for other people. For myself it is a weakness, and in addition to not taking failure well I certainly do not deal with weakness well. But I am losing patience more often than not these days, I snap at my husband often and have contemplated leaving him for his own good. Ultimately I am too selfish to do so, but he would be better off with someone more deserving, someone nicer, sexier and someone who has all their shit together. He is not going to be pleased with this, but again I have to reiterate that I am trying to make myself more accountable and I don’t think he understands just how low I get. He is oblivious to what is right in front of him and doesn’t see that there are problems that need to be addressed.

And that is an update on the state of my being. I am a poor excuse of a human being right now, and I do things that I probably shouldn’t when I am down here. Again not something I want to put out into cyberspace, but that’s the way it seems to go for me. Before I even realize what I’ve done, I’m on my second round….


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I work part time at a gas station, & yes I realize that fueling stations are highly irksome for many people these days because of the gas prices. It sure does make having summer fun much more expensive, I get that but do you have to be such assholes when you come in to see me?!? This beginning part will entirely be about customer service fails (on both sides of the spectrum).

I work weekends, every weekend unless I specifically ask for one off & actually receive it but that’s besides the point… Point I’m trying to make is that while most people I see are enjoying their weekends I am at work pasting a smile on my face while YOU come in all miserable-like. WTF! Get a grip on yourself, you are not the center of the universe & simply because you are my customer I will not pretend you are.

Common courtesy goes a loooooong way. If someone greets you with a smile & asks how things are going, well the polite response would be, well honestly any one really. Don’t just shove your damned money at me and say $20. Or grunt at me, for the love of dog people, you are not hogs, how do sound so much like one? That goes without saying for the person on the other side of the counter too. For obvious reasons I will not name where I work but most FB people will know anyway 🙂 But there are some MAJOR idiots that work where I do, to the point that I left a very specific note pasted on the counter that it is the customers that pay our bills so start acting like it. There are few of us there that seem to know how to smile at people, it’s not that fucking hard. Or greet someone when they walk through the door or even at the very least when they get to the counter. It’s also a pet peeve of mine when cashiers ask, “Is that it?”, it sounds so damned rude to me, sometimes they even omit the IS, so “That it?”, no eye contact, no smile nothing really that says hey we appreciate your business. Does that clichéd? Yeah maybe so, but since my mom was a single mother  most of the time & raised us on a waitress’s wages, customer service meant the difference in what we ate. As a cashier it doesn’t quite work that way, but the value is still ingrained into me. I personally take pride in my own work,, I’ll be totally honest I really couldn’t care less about the company but they are damned lucky to have me & I don’t say that because I am conceited. However, I do my work and a good portion of other people’s as well because I can’t stand for people to think it was me that did such a terrible job. I also am quite good with customers even when, to be honest, I don’t much like people at all. What’s that? You want specifics. Oh you’re so on!!

This past weekend I gave a customer 15 cents change when he was supposed to get 13 cents, because I hate to count pennies. Well turns out his nickel was an American one. No biggie right, well you’d think I gave him one I had just spit on. He turns around, pushes past the customer who is at the counter now and throws it on the counter but doesn’t say anything. So I ask, “Is there something wrong?”. “I don’t want that.” he replies. “Okay?” So he looks at me for a second and then says in a snide voice, “I WANT a Canadian one!” If I had been thinking quickly enough, & wasn’t so incredulous I would have grabbed 3 cents from the penny cup and gave him those since all he entitled to was 13 cents but I was more surprised than anything. It’s a fucking nickel, not $50, get a grip on yourself asshole!

And from the other side. When you pick up the pump nozzle at out stores it gives us the most annoying noise in the world to authorize you to allow your pump to begin. Ideally we should respond quickly enough but that doesn’t always happen, especially if you have King Lazy behind the counter. Now King Lazy is a not very bright new person working at our store, if you think that’s not being very nice then you tell me how you would describe somebody who didn’t know how to use the calculator or what a decimal was used for. Yup, I am in no way kidding. What I can’t understand is how that even happens. He’s younger, somewhere around 20ish, and at that age when you go through school everything is done by calculators and computers not by your very capable brains (as it was when I went to school). So how on Earth does someone not know that ten dollars and twenty-five cents is put into the calculator as 10.25 or for people that don’t bother using calculators, not know how to convert the value in your head. Blow my mind… Anywhoooo, off topic so back I go. SO King Lazy is working ( well he’s there at work that is), and the gas pumps are going off for authorization and he’s got his ass stuck on a stepladder trying ever so hard to reach our screens by stretching. Ever see the Simpson’s NY episode where Homer tries to reach for the pizza place with one foot on his car, well yeah that’s basically the idea here. Obviously it doesn’t work out, so he sighs visibly, gets up, stretches his back first and THEN finally authorizes the pump(s). When these people come in the store he hauls himself back off the step stool and hits just one of the random pumps on the screen, tells the customer the amount only to be told that that was not the right pump. No greeting, no smile, no please or thank you. Not a fucking thing! I can’t stand cashiers like that, mostly because I hold them to my own standards which are high.

I believe in professionalism at work, even at a gas station or WalMart or wherever. There are certain things that should be done and certain things that should not. Going home with one of your customers that you just met is on the DO Not Do list in my opinion. But that line has been crossed several times by one employee where I work. A customer brushing a piece of lint of my chest has been done, I almost hauled off and punched him but somehow restrained. That was a brief stint at a bar for a second job, but I did not enjoy the dynamic of having convenience store customers who were normally on their best behaviour all of a sudden take a different turn, like the above scenario so that DID NOT last very long.  I also believe in not judging a book by its cover. I had a biker in this weekend who looked rough I’ll admit it, but that doesn’t mean I treated him any different. Apparently he gets a lot of that though because he told me it was nice to actually have someone treat him with respect and not vermin, and someone who actually smiled at him. He said people often see the leather M.C. jacket and assume he’s part of a gang. Really? People deserve respect no matter who they are unless they have done something to you personally to lose that, who the hell are we to judge anyone for what they like in the first place? I suppose when you grow up in a city with Hells Angels who were always nice when they came in the stores I worked at, you gain a different perspective.

I believe in customer service, it is a job looked down upon by so many people but without the service industry you would be shit out of luck for your goods. I created this a little while ago for some manager’s training I had to do, but it’s entirely relevant to so many other things.


It was meant as a reminder to the cashiers to smile for their customers & a little incentive to smile pretty. If The Rock in a dress doesn’t to it for you, well you are dead inside, lol.

After letting go of someone for their poor customer service, he asked us “Well do you expect me to fake it?” You’re fucking right I do!! If you come to work a miserable dick everyday I have no use for you. Everyone has those days, but you persevere through it & if you just can’t anymore then it’s high time you get out of there.

I would love to hear your own customer service nightmares below, so leave me a comment describing it, I have so many I truly think I might start a new blog about it because I’m already at 1500 words and I haven’t even started in on my second topic yet….

So on to the much anticipated Diablo 3 release. I have mostly been playing a monk & I really enjoy her but have been plagued by lag like many others but thankfully not half as bad as those in Australia or Taiwan have had it. One of my biggest peeves about this game is that it is online play only & I don’t like that aspect. If I am playing solo, I should not have to be online for that to happen, it leaves the game open to the lag issues & if you enter general chat it is FILLED with more gold spammers than WoW or people talking up their skills and everyone else’s lack thereof or trolls, lots and lots of damned trolls. Once I am in general chat I have no idea how to get out of it. I have not been pleased so far with loot drops, the rares I find are not suited for my monk so I am surviving on a lot of blues 😦 I have also tried the demon hunter who thus far I am not loving although I finally got something to hit groups with & that’s cool but it drains my resource quickly. So far the generator spell is weak and takes several hits & I don’t like that but once I’ve worked a bit more with the monk I’ll go back and play a bit more. I’ve also tried the witch doctor but I seriously can’t remember gameplay with her. I am the type of person who likes instant results, it’s why I am a terrible frost mage in WoW, it takes strafing and time, whereas I leveled with fire, bang bang you’re dead now & I love arcane because I’m quite honestly a lazy DPSer and I only have to hit a few buttons to kill things, still before they reach me. That’s the vibe I am getting from the DH, strafing and technique both of which I have no patience for. Probably why I’m a terrible PVPer as well. I still have the Wizard & the Barbarian to try yet, and am pleased to see that mana regen is soooo much quicker than it was in D2. For thos of you playing hard core, man oh man, all the power to you. I do not have the desire to do that because I would be SO pissed if I died & lost everything I had worked for. Okay I’ll be honest not if I died, WHEN I died. I know myself. But I still want to try playing with another person through battlenet, if I’m being forced to play online might as well give it a try with another person I guess. I also plan to give PVP a try, though I am sure it will have disastrous results, I am curious how it will work. Arena like I wonder? We’ll see I guess, but so far general chat has monks & demon hunters as the front liners for being epic PVPers, I don’t think even that will help me, although I can heal myself which is pretty awesome!!


Today’s Blast From The Past is Diablo 2 to go with D3. I played this before the first Diablo and it has been my fave since then, I hope that D3 will take over that spot but Blizz still has some things to fix first in my opinion. I could spend hours playing this game & often did. The necromancer & the assassin were probably my fave characters although I also enjoyed the druid and the paladin immensely. I can no longer play it on my computer because it begins blankign out terrain aspects so I can’t always see incoming mobs, not cool if youplan on staying alive.


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