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Posts Tagged ‘thoughts’

If you’ve ever had the feeling of complete emptiness & weren’t sure how to fix it, I’m there & I’m sorry you’ve ever felt this way. It feels so wrong to be so down when, in reality, I have it nowhere near as bad as others. But I can’t seem to shake it regardless. For every day I work I see 2 homeless men, one is quite obvious, he smells like a portapotty and could seriously use some meds & new clothes. He believes I am Russian & his mother gave birth to Patsy Cline in the Soviet Union in the 1930’s, also I was also apparently married to some man he hated in the 60’s. He believes that one of my co-workers murdered someone in the 60’s and frequently succumbs to cursing fits in our coffee section corner. I do not allow myself to fall into the same manner of thinking as some of my co-workers that he somehow brought this life on himself & I often buy his coffee for two reasons: 1. I’m sorry but I do not want to touch his money, and while many people may find that incredibly rude (and it probably is) I have a bit of a germy issue and already wash my hands a ridiculous amount of times, I do not think I could handle that. and 2. If I can’t spend two bucks to give somebody a hot drink who could truly use it I seriously need to re-evaluate my priorities. And on to the second man, he is much less obvious about his current living arrangements and to my eyes appears quite sane, and fairly clean, though well worn.

(After that spiel, I forgot why I went on and on & had to go back to the beginning of my post to find out)

The whole point is that despite knowing and seeing this with my own eyes it still pains me to smile and I can feel the emptiness inside my chest, like it should ache but it doesn’t, it’s just nothing. Then I feel guilty about feeling this way and I am pushed further into despair. What right do I have in my apartment with my husband and pets, technology and a full fridge to feel this way? But it won’t go away despite what I know, despite the guilt weighing me down.

Here is where my life stands today:

I head back to classes next week, I lack the funds to pay for my books or the rest of my school supplies.I fear that the way I feel is going to take a toll on my grades, last year it did & I was not as deeply affected as I currently am. I fear that my brain will not keep up with what it needs to and I will fail, I do not deal well with failure.

My dog is having health issues and I lack the funds to bring him to the vet so I’ve been treating him myself with some polysporin, peroxide and goldbond. I feel like a failure once again & I’ve already said that I do not deal well with failure.

There was a time when I had a full time job that I didn’t love but I worked with and I was damn good at it. I had money in the bank and plans, adult plans. Things changed, the company I was working for changed hands and my goals changed, drastically. I wonder all too often if I have made the right decisions, especially when I am going through these trying times.

I spend entirely too much time in tears. Tears of frustration, of anger and since I am being honest, self loathing a good part of the time. I truly do not like myself, and it’s not merely an appearance thing. Yes I hate the way I look, and I feel as though there is nothing I can do about it. I’m fat and yet losing weight does not come easily & I find myself green with envy over my friends’ accomplishments and lacking any real motivation to begin my own.

I can’t find any happiness in the upcoming births of my newest nieces and nephews, and although I try to fake it I can sense that there is something off and not quite right with it that I am sure is being noticed. Am I jealous? Yes I am, of course I am. How can it be so easy for others to bring life into this world when my body struggles to even have a proper cycle. A little while ago somebody made a comment to my friend Amy about their family being perfect now that they had a boy, a girl and the two parents. Having a single (gorgeous) child that they are perfectly happy with and no plans to have any more, this irked her. All I could think at this time was how pathetic & pitiful my life would seem to the person with the perfect family.

On top of everything else, my husband & I are having some issues. I do not want to go into them here because it would be unfair to him to do so. In one clear moment today I suggested that we see a couples therapist but the look on his face at that revelation shut that down immediately. He was more than a little uncomfortable with that idea & I get it, I only every once in awhile feel brave enough to admit my problems to somebody else. There is a reason I did not post this to Facebook, but still made it public; a ploy to try and make myself accountable. Having to resort to a therapist, a shrink, a psychologist is something that I can understand…. for other people. For myself it is a weakness, and in addition to not taking failure well I certainly do not deal with weakness well. But I am losing patience more often than not these days, I snap at my husband often and have contemplated leaving him for his own good. Ultimately I am too selfish to do so, but he would be better off with someone more deserving, someone nicer, sexier and someone who has all their shit together. He is not going to be pleased with this, but again I have to reiterate that I am trying to make myself more accountable and I don’t think he understands just how low I get. He is oblivious to what is right in front of him and doesn’t see that there are problems that need to be addressed.

And that is an update on the state of my being. I am a poor excuse of a human being right now, and I do things that I probably shouldn’t when I am down here. Again not something I want to put out into cyberspace, but that’s the way it seems to go for me. Before I even realize what I’ve done, I’m on my second round….

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Last night I woke up really upset, not to mention creeped out completely. I had not only given birth…… to a freaking foal of all things but my husband handed me divorce papers because I had pimples on my chin. Sadly this can’t even be considered my strangest dream because I apparently have an incredibly vivid imagination while I am asleep. Here’s a recount of some of the stranger dreams I’ve had..

Last night:

For whatever reason Eric & I had an urban farm area smack dab in the middle of the city. And on this farm (totally just got Old MacDonald stuck in my head ;-p) we had horses, but also some kind of scientists. The scientists implanted me with horse junk while I was riding a massive black stallion in a horse parade through the Dartmouth ghetto. Next thing I knew I was in my apartment bathroom and a huge splat of nastiness fell out of me, on the floor & partly landed on the dog. Sorry Boogs…. I went to tell my husband incredulously that I had just given birth to a foal & he decides he’s going to call his father to tell him without even bothering to say anything to me at all. So, in total Van fashion, I kept interrupting him to tell him again and again and why wasn’t he helping me. He then gives a huff and tells his father that he’s gotta go. He gets up silently and hands me 2 sets of divorce papers and an extra copy of one of the single pages. At this point I have no clue where the horse is, in fact I don’t see him again for the rest of the dream. I ask Eric why he’s divorcing me, and then scream it at him when he doesn’t answer me. Finally he sighs and says, “You’ve got acne on your chin & she says that you can get treatment for that but you don’t.” In the best snotty voice ever I sneered, “SHE, who the fuck is SHE?” It doesn’t matter he replies, this is about you. And then I woke up only to find my husband missing. Okay he was only in the bathroom but in my sleep boggled mind he was gone… And I don’t even have pimples on my chin as an excuse….

When I was a child I absolutely loved the Child’s Play movies. Should I have even seen at that age, yeah, probably not. But that’s besides the point. They didn’t actually scare me per se but they did prompt strange recurring nightmares that DID scare me so I assume there were some aspects that did scare me subliminally. In this dream I was always being chased by a tiny little basketball player wearing a red jersey. he was a vicious little bastard too. In one of my dreams I was living in Waterloo on Peppler Street and he wanted to kill me so bad he took a bulldozer to our house. Ripping off chunk by slow agonizing chunk of our front porch while taunting me to just come out and make it easier on everyone else. He chased me on his itty bitty legs up the street to a local playground where I completely outdumbassed the bimbos from horror movies by getting on the swing to try and kick him away while I was going to jump away after and run. WTF, really!! These dreams eventually stopped somewhere around my mid-teens years & I don’t think he’d ever actually gotten me but I can’t be certain anymore.

When you start having dreams about work I think it’s become apparent that you spend entirely too much time there. Shortly after I became and assistant manager for Shit Stop in KW I had a dream that the new store I had been moved to was attacked by ninja assassins. These guys literally came out of the ceiling tiles, completely dressed in black with those silver throwing stars. Which they then proceeded to throw at me in ninja fashion. I don’t even watch ninja movies where the fuck did this come from?? After they threw a zillion star thingys they just left, they were either really good or really bad because they didn’t hit me once…

Another time I was working in C’ton at the gas station I had a dream that I was in the back cooler having dirty sex with Eric. Why dirty you ask? No not anything especially fun in THAT department, but if you’ve ever been in a walk in drinks cooler, you’ll know that they are a sticky dirty mess and I was in there getting plowed by my boyfriend. Oh did I forget to mention that I also had two turkeys on each of my hands…. Yeah, oh and the store was open for business too so when people came back to by Pepsi I pushed it at them with my turkey fisting hands while Eric pumped away behind me.

What I hate the most is when I have dreams that repeat themselves all night long. I’ve recently had one where I was sitting in Hell’s Kitchen on a stool just reaching out to some unknown desire. Over and over again I dreamed this same thing that night. I’ve also repeat dreamed sitting on a beach for a sunset while a lone sailboat drifted by in front of the setting sun, sounds beautiful right? Not so much on the hundredth float by.

I have game dreamed several times as well. When I first started playing WoW I kept dreaming quests after I went to sleep. I’ve dreamed Angry Birds levels. Played slumber Bejeweled and killed Diablo several times while I tossed and turned.

I have never had a falling dream that I can remember. I have, however, had a dream where I was standing on my friend Leah’s balcony (15th floor) and walked the railing looking while thinking about jumping. I have flown many times, sometimes with wings, sometimes not. Once I even flew in a fantasy land (probably after reading a book) on a sea monster. Bet you expected dragon there right?

I have had dreams in which I’ve left my husband for another woman. Others in which he’s left me. Sex dreams with who knows & one with an animal. That was disturbing!!!

I have also dreamed up ideas. I came up with the decorating scheme for our wedding head table in a dream. A story idea which never came to fruition, something about mermaids…. And an idea for a painting I want to try sometime in the near future. Since I don’t paint and can’t draw to save my life (my stick people look fat…) this should be interesting.

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Another collaboration with Eric (Guess who’s idea this one was, lol). We each have 25 because I simply couldn’t cut my list down, and just kept thinking of more instead of less. Once I reached 25 that was it though, no more. They are in no particular order and are listed by their show character, not necessarily their actual names.

Here is Eric’s list, check it out….After you’ve checked mine out, lol

Zack Morris – Saved By The Bell

 One of my childhood crushes. *Time out* *Time In*

Weevil – Veronica Mars

And Weevil on a motorcycle, yum yum even better!

Tory Belleci – MythBusters

Tory cracks me up, and he’s willing to do just about anything. Can’t go wrong there.

Spike & Angel – Buffy The Vampire Slayer

I’m actually fairly new to this show, tried it before left it then started trying it again with Netflix. But these two guys make Buffy’s whining easier to sit through.

Scott Wilson & Justin Lukach – Departures

Another new show. Justin is HILARIOUS! Scott is so down to Earth and sensitive. I love the two of them traveling together, and pushing each other to do different things.

Sawyer – Lost

Ah Sawyer!! King of nicknames, and King of my Lost heart!

Jack – Revenge

He’s just so darn sweet, you can’t help but love him. But then he gets behind the wheel of his boat and I’m just lost.

Pacey Witter – Dawson’s Creek

Pacey was not only my favourite character of the series, but in my eyes he could do no wrong, even when he was doing the teacher.

Khal Drogo – Game of Thrones

Jon SNow – Game of Thrones

My GoT boys. Drogo is so damn sexy that it makes me want to watch Conan just to see Jason Momoa barely clad again. And Jon Snow is such an endearing character he makes my heart melt, plus those ringlets aren’t bad wither ;-P

Kappy – Greek

The sensitive party boy, somehow able to make ugly hockey hair look good.

King Henry – The Tudors

A far cry from the portraits of actual King Henry the Eighth. I’d risk beheading for those ice blues and pouty lips.

Nathan Scott – One Tree Hill

From asshole to sweetheart to lost to superstar and so on and so forth. Whatever his ‘tude is, he’s still a great husband and father and I just love him to pieces.

Gordon Ransay – Hell’s Kitchen & Kitchen Nightmares

Yes, he’s a huge asshole, but he’s damn sexy while being one.

Eric Northman & Godric – True Blood

Eric is always smoldering no matter how much of a jerk he’s being, and there’s something about Godric’s manner and then his tattoos that get me going.

Dexter Morgan – Dexter

Dark passenger and all.

Coop – Nurse Jackie

Coop is so flippin’ funny, stupid as hell but lovable all the same. I even think Jackie’s starting to come around to him, just a smidgen.

Caleb – Pretty Little Liars

This is definitely more of a , darn if I was a little younger I’d be all for him. He’s a sweetheart with an edge, which seems to be a theme here, lol

Michael – Roswell

Broody Michael with his smoochable lips!!

Agent Seeley Booth – Bones

Agent Booth can arrest me any day!!

The Big Bang Boys – The Big Bang Theory

I couldn’t decide on just one of them. Leonard is short but sweet and pretty good looking for always wearing hoodie, Howard cracks me up and I love a man that can make me laugh, Raj is too adorable for words which would be just fine since I’m a woman and he wouldn’t talk to me anyway, lol. And Sheldon is just plain Sheldon, can’t help but love him especially that itty bitty laugh he does.

Bazinga!!

Anderson Cooper – CNN & Anderson & Anderson 360

No matter how boring the subject he may be discussing, he makes it look good while he does it.

Amar – Little Mosque on the Prairie

Former lawyer, madly in love with a woman and a great friend and imam.

Cesar Milan – The Dog Whisperer

I might not agree with all of his advice, but he is a dog lover and so patient with the people he tries to teach. And I love listening to him talk in Spanish!

Bart SImpson – The Simpsons

As a child I had such a mad crush on Bart. Carefree (duh, he’s a kid) and a rule breaker, that’s my kind of cartoon boyfriend, lol

Greg – CSI

He cracks me up, and his wacky hair and smarts work for me!

So it seems as though a theme is present. I like humour, bad assness & crazy hair it seems. Well Eric has 2/3 so maybe there’s something there after all. J/K husband I love ya!!

You can check out his tv crushes Here

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