This was one of the main reasons I deliberated so much on returning to school. I sit here day after day with these young kids that are either utterly stupid or utterly brilliant and I find myself stuck in the middle feeling useless. I’ve decided to come to school earlier in the mornings before I have class in order to study because studying at home, with a snuggly dog, two annoying cats and a husband I honestly just want to spend time with when we actually get to see each other face to face, is pretty worthless. So I’m here boring into my geography and almost 2 hours later I still feel like I know nothing. I wasted too many years of my life ignorant for entirely too many hours a week working at a crap job and I’m starting to feel as though that’s all I can possibly do well with myself. I have got nothing on these kids, they sail through here with good grades and party all weekend long and they’ll be the first to get hired because they have more years of service left in them than I will by the time I get out of here. But as I’m already twenty grand in debt now I’ll fight my way through. Even though each day makes me want to scream & rip my hair out, not to mention that my eyes are constantly welled up, how embarrassing would that be, bawling away in the damn library.
So I try and stay upbeat, especially when I am at home because it’s Eric that suffers. I got so frustrated the other day I completely busted my computer mouse and he stays silent and lets me flip out. So to you, I’m really sorry and know that I sincerely do try hard to be a good wife and friend to you but maybe it’s just not there in my make up. There’s not a lot of incentive to stay upbeat while I’m here at school, I don’t really talk to many people so it’s not noticed, I’m just one in a couple thousand.
To anyone that actually might read this since I’m not posting it to FB, I’m sorry for being depressing and taking my whole 15 minute study break to write this and let go of some of the anger at myself out. But I’m not expecting many to actually see this so I shouldn’t bring many down with me.